Being overweight or “fat” is something that can be so hard in a world full of skinny super-models and hourglass figured Kardashians, where life is about being perfect for Instagram rather than for ourselves. People always tell us to be comfortable in our own body and to love our skin but it’s easier said than done, most of us go through life never seeing how beautiful we truly are, but that’s for a whole other article, in this one I’m going to share my personal struggles about being overweight that some of you might relate to.
This may be the hardest thing about being overweight, looking at myself in the mirror and not liking what I see. This is especially hard when I’m already feeling really down about myself, I start to hate what I look like and ask myself why I’m not perfect. Sometimes it gets so bad that I will feel fat in the clothes I try on and feel so crappy about it for the rest of the day, to the point to where I don’t even want to go out.
Don’t get me wrong, I love body positive people who embrace whatever they look like, but I hate how I find it so hard to see my beauty. Influencers such as Grace Victory (who just blew up the internet with her Instagram picture of her period) taught me a little about being comfortable in my own skin, but it is so much harder than just deciding to love yourself. They have so much bravery for accepting what they look like and sharing it with the world no matter what anyone says, but my issue is not what other people think of me, it’s what I think of myself which is so much worse.
I get it all the time, usually from the people who are closest to me. They tell me I’m fat as if I can’t see it for myself, as if I’m oblivious to how my own body looks, I also get told to stop eating a lot and join the gym. And for some reason in their mind it’s “motivational”, the only thing they motivate is an eating disorder and depression. It’s not as if telling me I’m fat is going to change how I look in a split second.
I get told to go on a diet so many times but what people don’t realise is that I’m actually healthier than most people and sure I like a bar of chocolate but completely cutting myself off from any junk just makes me binge eat after two weeks. Trying to go on a diet is more mentally challenging than it is physically, food is usually my comfort and taking that away just makes me stress even more.
This is one of the most serious struggles of being overweight, on top of knowing I’m fat, being told I am and failing to do anything about it, I work myself into depression and maybe even an eating disorder. I usually go through periods of eating a lot to nothing at all, I think I’ve calmed down a bit now but I was more serious when I was around 15 when I hated the way I looked and suffered from depression. Even now the thought of not being perfect can keep me up all night, but there are people out there who hurt themselves because they don’t like their bodies.
For years I refused to step on a scale and the one time I did I made sure no one was looking. It’s so hard knowing that the number I look down at on the scale can affect me so much and worse when I know I’ve tried so many things to try get it down but nothing ever works. But I try my best to not let that number define me, it’s not all I am.
Luckily I never feel pressured with friends and I usually don’t eat much anyways but sometimes when I feel crappy about myself and my weight I won’t eat in front of people out of embarrassment, but like I said before my issue is more about myself not what other people think of me. However, I know people who wouldn’t eat in front of anyone because they think they would be judged for what they eat and the amount. This doesn’t only apply to people who are overweight, loads of girls in particular do this and it is heartbreaking.
That tag behind your top might not mean a thing to you, but to me it’s what makes my eyes roll with disgust in the changing rooms especially when I need a bigger size. Again this is just a number which I don’t let define me, but knowing that I’m going in the opposite direction to where I want to be kills me a little. It’s also embarrassing knowing that other people are a lot slimmer and are three sizes down compared to where I am, it’s shameful when it shouldn’t be.
I don’t edit my size for my social media but I do choose the pictures with the best lighting or pose to make myself look slimmer. I know for a fact that I look better on social media (I mean doesn’t everyone), but I hate when people notice it and sometimes mention it because I feel stupid for trying to look slightly different on the internet.
This is one of the hardest struggles of being overweight, I know that I need to lose weight, I know I need to change my diet, I know I need to exercise more but that changes nothing. If there was a magic remedy I would’ve taken it years ago but the truth is that there isn’t, no pill, injection or surgery can change the fact that I’m fat. And that’s what sends me into depression, my body is a constant war zone, a part of me wants to lose weight and the other just wants to cry about being fat and I keep going from one to the other which doesn’t help at all.
If you relate to this, know that you’re not alone and there are people who can help you, talk to someone and know that even if you don’t think you’re beautiful, there are so many people who do.
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