Signs That You Are In A Controlling Relationship
When you love someone it can be tempting to ignore any warning signs in a relationship, or to make excuses for your partner’s behaviour even if deep down you know it is wrong. Or worse, you might mistake certain red flags as a sign of the ‘depth’ and ‘intensity’ of your partner’s feelings towards you, and believe that such behaviour is perfectly acceptable in a relationship. It can be especially difficult to realise if you are in a controlling relationship; this difficulty is further complicated by the fact that anyone can be found guilty of exercising controlling behaviour over their partner, regardless of factors such as age, gender, or ethnicity. The purpose of this article is to help draw your attention towards key signs that indicate you are in a controlling relationship, or even if you aren’t personally, signs that will help you spot if somebody else is in a controlling relationship.
1. Your partner has isolated you from your friends and family.
This is one of the first stages that a controlling person might inflict on their partner, the aim of this to make their partner totally dependent on them and also so that they are less likely to get caught. Moreover, by isolating you, your partner is metaphorically suffocating you, ensuring that they have your undivided attention. As you lose your support network, you will also be less likely to stand up for yourself and to confuse such behaviour as a sign that your partner cares so much about you. This is because your partner will use any means necessary to subtly estrange you from your family and friends, such as implying certain friends are a bad influence on you, or that your parents are too nosey.
2. Your partner has altered your appearance since you first met.
Naturally over time we might change the way we look, we might have a haircut or decide to lose a few pounds. However, another warning sign that you are in a controlling relationship is if your partner dictates the way you look. For example, they might make little comments disguised as compliments to get their own way, such as: ‘Please don’t get your hair cut, I really like your hair long, it’s so sexy.’ Or more overt comments such as: ‘that dress is too short I think you should wear something longer so you don’t attract any male attention.’ With confidence and over time, your partner might start buying you clothes and insisting that you have to wear them. They are slowly moulding you to conform to an image in their mind.
3. Your partner knows all your passwords to your social media accounts and how to unlock your phone.
Another sign that you are in a controlling relationship is that your partner regularly checks your social media accounts and who you have been talking to on your phone. You might easily confuse this as a sign of trust and that you are proving you have nothing to hide from your partner, that there are no secrets in your relationship. But do not be mistaken, this is yet another way your partner is endeavouring to control you. They are keeping tabs on you and not respecting your individual right to privacy. In this way they are constantly spying on you and will ask you to explain every action. This is not healthy.
4. Your partner makes you feel guilty if you try to stand up to him.
If you try to confront your partner over their behaviour, they will play the victim and try to twist your own words against you to make themselves appear to be innocent. For example, they might make little comments like: ‘I was only trying to look out for you’, or ‘I can never do right by you can I?’. Do not allow yourself to back down and give into them. Or if you feel like you can’t stand up to your partner alone, try reaching out to someone outside of your relationship.
5. Sex with your partner can be uncomfortable and leave you upset afterwards.
Sure there are different types of have sex, it can be soft and slow, or a little bit rougher and animalistic but still passionate and loving. Ultimately, you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable or unsafe during sex. A controlling person might be extra dominant and refuse to listen to you if you protest.
6. They criticise or tease you.
It is natural to torment one another playfully in a relationship, it can be seen as being flirtatious. However, when the teasing is not mutual and when it makes you feel uncomfortable this is another sign that you’re in a controlling relationship. Even more obvious, is if you try to express your discomfort and your partner replies with a comment like: ‘Oh I was just playing, you clearly can’t take a joke’. Again, like I mentioned before, by turning your words against you, you are then made to feel silly or in the wrong for accusing your partner. Likewise, if your partner criticises you, this can be overt or veiled, it is a sign they are controlling. You might act on their criticisms and try to change, or internalise their criticisms and become weak and vulnerable to more emotional and mental abuse.
7. They make you doubt your own capabilities.
For example, they might discourage you from going to University, taking courses to better yourself, or from running for that promotion at work. Their aim is to ensure that you can never become their equal, or too strong and powerful that you will walk away from them, or realise you don’t deserve to be treated in such a way. A controlling person is in fact very insecure, not that they would ever want you to know this, so they reflect their own insecurities on you to bring you down to their level.
8. They accuse you of certain behaviours.
As stated above, controlling partners tend to act out due to their own insecurities and paranoia. They might constantly accuse you of certain behaviour as a reflection of their worst fears. For example, they might accuse you of cheating on them or of not loving them. The same can be said if your partner is overly jealous, at the start of a relationship this is more acceptable as you aren’t as established and it can even be a bit of a turn on – it shows how much your partner cares for you. But if it increases in intensity this is when you have a problem.
Above are just a few signs that you are in a controlling relationship. Can you think of any others or have you experienced any of these signs in your own relationship? Comment in the section below this article.
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