When people hear the words ‘relationship abuse’, they often think of a man hitting a woman. Whilst this does undoubtedly happen, it is because of this stereotype that often other types of abuse, like emotional abuse, sexual abuse and abuse to men often flies under the radar because people assume that what is happening to them isn’t abuse, either because they have not been physically abused, or because they are unable to be victimised. This is why recognising abuse in your relationship is so important.
Emotional abuse is defined as ‘any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth’. If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you may not realise that you are being abused as there are no physical marks to show for it, and also many victims of emotional abuse tend to blame themselves for the abuse they suffer. This is why recognising abuse is so important. Emotional abuse in relationships can contain the following things:
1. Your partner calling you names, insulting you, or humiliating you in public
2. Your partner criticising you constantly
3. Your partner isolating you from friends and family
4. Your partner controls your finances, refuses to share money or outright bans you from working
5. Your partner punishes you by witholding affection
6. Your partner constantly checks up on you and monitors where you are, who you’re with and what you’re doing; if they believe you to be lying they get very angry
7. Your partner punishes you by withholding affection
8. Your partner solely blames you for any problems in the relationship
9. Your partner threatens you with any of the following; disclosing intimate details or secrets about you (e.g. ‘outing’ an LGBT+ partner, posting sexually explicit details and/or photos of your relationship on the internet); suicide/self harm if you attempt to assert yourself or leave the relationship; harming you, your family or your pets
10. Your partner denies abusing you and/or calls you crazy for accusing them of abuse
If you are suffering from emotional abuse, get help immediately. There are a list of resources at the end of the article.
The definition of sexual abuse is any sexual contact that occurs non-consenually. Sexual abuse can be one of the most insidious forms of domestic abuse as more often than not the victim doesn’t realise they are being abused, as they may believe that since they are in a relationship, they are supposed to agree to any and all sexual relations with their partner. Even if they do realise they are being abuse, the nature of sexual abuse often leaves people feeling upset, embarrassed and dirty, meaning that victims often feel as though they cannot reach out to people for help.
Here is what to look for when recognising abuse in the sexual form:
1. Your partner often accuses you of cheating or being possessive/jealous of your outside relationships
2. Your partner forcing you you to dress/act in a sexual way
3. Your partner insulting you in sexual ways or calling you sexual names
4. Your partner holding you down during sex
5. Your partner demanding that you have sex when you are tired, ill or after beating you
6. Your partner forcing the involvement of other people in sexual activities with you
7. Your partner ever manipulating or forcing you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
8. Your partner ignoring your feelings regarding sex
9. Your partner hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
10. Your partner taking sexually explicit videos or pictures of you without your consent
Even if these kinds of abuse happen only once, it is still abuse and still a crime. If you are recognising abuse signs, get help immediately (there is a list of resources at the end of this article) and, if it is safe to do so, file a police report against your attacker.
Since the typical view of domestic abuse is a male partner abusing a female partner, male victims of domestic abuse and those in LGBT+ relationships can tend to fly under the radar as they are either confused about whether or not they are in an abusive relationship, or may feel they are incapable of suffering abuse. They may also feel ashamed that they are suffering abuse, and will therefore not attempt to seek help. You may be in a physically abusive relationship if:
1. Your partner damages property when angry (punched/kicked walls/furniture, thrown things etc.)
2. Your partner slaps, kicks, bites or strangles you
3. Your partner leaves you in a dangerous or unfamiliar places
4. Your partner purposefully scares you by taking part in reckless behaviour
5. Your partner traps you in your home, keeps you from leaving the home or forces you out of your home
6. Your partner hurts or threatens to hurt people you care about
7. Your partner uses physical force in sexual situations
8. Your partner prevents you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
If you have suffered any of the abuse either above or in the two other points, then seek help immediately. There are resources at the bottom of this article.
This is only a very brief description of the different kinds of abuse people can suffer, and if you believe you are a victim of abuse, and can safely do research, then there are multiple websites and helplines to help you. I would also urge you to talk to your friends and/or family if you are able, so they understand the situation you are in. If you have been a victim of a crime, think seriously about reporting it to the police. If you believe you are a victim of abuse, you may feel upset, or that you should have been stronger. This is not true. You are not alone, you are strong, and you can get through this. It is not your fault that you have been abused, the blame lies solely with you abuser. Hopefully you now understand a little better why recognising abuse is so important.
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