You wake up and the pounding headache immediately hits you. Your mouth is like sandpaper, you’re bursting for a piss, but you’re not even sure that you can muster the energy to move. And to top it all off, that compulsory 9 AM lecture is on in 45 minutes. But, by following these guidelines, the process of moving shouldn’t be too damaging. This is the ultimate hangover survival guide!
Very gently, roll out and stand up without any sudden movements. You could exasperate the headache and/or make yourself vomit if you get up too quickly. Last thing to add to the smell of alcohol and cigarettes in your hair is last night’s half-digested pizza.
Time to wash away the shame and various offensive odours of the night out on the town. Plenty of shampoo and shower gel and you’ll feel fresh and somewhat human. The hot steam should revive you. At least when you’re clean, last night no longer exists.
Moisturising is a pain in the arse, but you need it now more than you ever have. Your skin is as dry as Gandhi’s flip flop and is crying out for re-hydration. Slapping on the cream will wake up your skin, thus eliminating the look of death. Same goes for deodorant, perfume and toothpaste. Lash that shit on, sister.
Depending on the state of fragility that you may currently be in, the dress code is entirely up to you. Grabbing your skinny jeans and that nice top can make you feel like you got your shit together, but soft sweatpants and a hoodie are heaven. Either way, be comfy.
Like your skin, your body is crying out for some high-quality H2O. Grab a bottle (rinse it though in case you used it to mix vodka) fill it to the brim and down it. Fill it again and pop it in your bag for various sipping through-out the day. Water will flush all the shite out of your system and make you feel more alive. Grab a slice of bread too, even if you feel ill. Bread will help to soak up the drink left over in your system, and will settle your stomach too.
You start to walk, but your head is still spinning. Stroll at a pace where you won’t over exert yourself. Your body is already tired. Rushing to class will only stress you out and make you feel worse, and could be the deciding point of getting to class or just lying down on the ground and crying.
You’re in the class and forgot the lecturer said that a guest speaker will be coming. It’s the most boring shite ever and you’re trying not to nod off, and he doesn’t even take attendance. Keep sipping on your water and try sucking on some strong mints to keep you awake.
Your stomach suddenly feels as empty as your bank account, and the greasy goodness of the hot deli counter is calling. Chicken filet roll, portion of spicy wedges and 17 sausage rolls pls. A dirty can of the aul Coca Cola, and you’ll be right as rain.
Savoury has played its role for the day, and now it’s the sweet’s turn. Chocolate, brownies, sour jelly snakes, ice-cream and cookies, stat.
You’re clean, full, and warm. The inherent need for sleep starts to kick in as you stagger back home, longing for your bed. Feels like you’re walking about 57 miles, even though your house is only 15 mins away. Ugh.
You struggle to stay awake, and wonder if it is socially acceptable to retire for the night at 1PM. Either way, a blanket cocoon is formed, and you fall back into the loving arms of your bed, and don’t rise for a solid 17 hours. Waking up at 6PM has never felt so fantastic.
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