When the sun in Ireland actually decides to show itself, people tend to go into the summer gains frenzy. Joining insane gym routines and fitness classes, just to wear that dreaded bikini or make that fella wish he texted back. Everyone and anyone can be vulnerable to this feverish obsession of looking good. So, the cycle begins with you investing in a membership that you will probably never fully fulfill. Here are 15 things to expect at the gym!
You’ve made it as far as the gym entrance and now the jitters are kicking in. ‘Fuck’, you start to think, and the panic sets in. What if you see someone you know? Or worse, that lad you brought home and couldn’t remember his name? Or worst of all, that girl you can’t stand? You’re vulnerable now, they’re gonna see you sweating like a hippo in labour and a face as red as a tomato. The struggle is real.
Fuck it, you’re here now. You’ve made it this far and you head for the changing rooms. Just as long as your headphones are in and you look somewhat like an athlete. Fake it till you make it.
Walking into gym changing rooms can be risky. You don’t know if it’s going to be empty or full of women who are perfectly comfortable in their communal nudity and having a loud conversation about how annoying chafing can be. Head down and eyes forward, soldier.
You walk into the gym now and there are machines and people everywhere. You peek in the door and mentally zoom in on a space where you want to put your water bottle and towel. It’s time to get pumped up before taking the plunge and entering the cardio centre.
Yes. You’re walking, we’re walking. So far so good. You’ve got the ultimate spotify gym playlist blaring in your ears and you’re getting ready. Slay, betch.
There’s always one girl, who for some reason, will walk towards the machine or treadmill that you ARE CLEARLY veering for. The power-walking battle begins. You manage to pop your bottle and towel across the bars, and give a death stare while you’re at it.
The gym is the place where bodies are pushed beyond their limits, and that results in sweat, body odour, and the general smell of filth. The worst, however, would be the occasional whiff of a protein fart. It’s usually easy enough to spot the guilty ones, those who are lifting a heavy plate and looking around anxiously.
Ew. A bead of sweat literally went into your eye and mouth, and not only does it burn like shit, it also tastes like it. Your hair is soaked to your roots, and it’s trickling down your back. You’re also starting to regret wearing a bright pink luminous top, because the sweat stains are giving away the fact that you’re unfit af. You resort to wearing black for the foreseeable future, and curse everyone.
You’re running, it’s horrible. Your body feels completely messed up and betrayed, and you wonder why anyone would ever do this ‘exercise’ business willingly? Everything hurts and you’re probably dying.
You’ve finished a good run and now you’re strolling on the treadmill to cool off and get the heart rate down. You start to worry again, what if people didn’t see me run and think I’m this red just from walking? Do I smell? Is that sweat on the screen from me? THIS WAS A MISTAKE.
You suddenly feel a strange sleepy or weak urge. The biological tank is becoming empty at this stage, and you decide to call it a day (or twenty minutes). Athletes need to rest.
The legs are burning at this stage. You hop off and wobble towards the water dispenser. You’re half way towards the door before you remember you need to stretch. So, you touch the ground once or twice, or try to anyway, for fear the leggings might let you down A.K.A be totally see-through.
You’re gripping the stair hand rail for dear life, the legs are so wobbly at this stage that falling down the stairs could be very likely. Although the way you’re feeling right now, a broken leg probably doesn’t seem so bad.
No time to grab a shower in the comfort of your own home, so having to go to the communal shower is the only option. You scurry in as fast as you can, because you don’t want to see anyone and vice-versa. Shampoo is flying everywhere as you furiously scrub your head in an effort to get out as fast as you can.
Getting dressed is the final challenge, because no skinny jean is going to go on smoothly over a wet leg. You struggle to pull them up over your arse while facing the wall. Getting the jeans on is a workout in itself, like.
LORD HAVE MERCY, WHAT IS THIS FEELING OF BEING SO HAPPY?! Endorphins are pulsating through your body and brain, your eyes are bright, your skin is glowing, and it is beautiful.
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