10 Things You Should Literally Never Do At Syracuse University

Being in college is all about taking chances and exploring opportunities. At Syracuse University, there are literally thousands of things for you to try, but here are 10 things you should NEVER do at Syracuse University.

1. Never rely on Health Services.

If you feel as though you’re on the brink of death, you may just be tempted to scoot down to Health Services, praying for them to bestow a cure. Never do it! After you book your appointment weeks in advance, the ‘nurse’ at the clinic will do a routine check up and send you on your way with Tylenol and a pat on the back. Cuse’s pre-med students would be able to give a better medical advice.

2. Never have intimate relations with an ‘outsider.’

For those of you that don’t know, anyone attending a school ranked below Syracuse University is , without question, unsuitable. Got Tinder? Never swipe right on a man from Onondaga Community College. Ladies, they are beneath your level, obviously, and Syracuse’s finest fraternity brothers are clearly your future husbands. Don’t let them taint your saintly hood. Same goes for you boys!

3. Never strip naked in the snow.

Many of the popular internet trends now include posting a video of yourself in your underwear, diving head first into a snow bank. A few have even gone commando! Never, under any circumstances, go streaking during a full blown Syracuse Winter! Not only will you disappear, sinking into the freshly fallen snow, but you’ll find yourself frostbitten in the most… inconvenient places.

4. Never attend a Syracuse sporting event without ORANGE apparel.

Does this one even need an explanation? You are a Syracuse Student. You bleed Orange, 24/7, with no exceptions. Don’t show up on Game Day wearing your finest purple tee or your snazzy red and white sweater. And under NO circumstances attend wearing Duke or Georgetown fan gear. You will not be welcomed by an understanding group of outstanding young individuals. You’ll be booed from the stadium, crying as you go.

5. Never “Boulder”, Always Boland.

So, baby, pull me closer in the back seat of your rover

That I know you can’t afford

Bite that tattoo on your shoulder

Pull the sheets right off the corner

Of that mattress that you stole

From your roommate back in Boulder BOLAND

We ain’t ever getting older. 

(Closer, the Chainsmokers)

This lyric clearly refers to the popular Boland Hall at Syracuse University. Sing it wrong and you will be shunned and possibly threatened.

6. Never believe that the dining halls are 5 Star restaurants.

Yes, Syracuse’s dining halls may have a variety of foods for one to choose from; however, a majority of the dishes are made by students, with little to no kitchen experience. Crunchy rice? Al Dente is fancy. Undercooked vegetables, meats, beans? AL DENTE. Best case scenario, you’re first in line for chicken tenders. Look, even if you sell your soul, breakfast, lunch, and dinner will always be mediocre. Lower your expectations.

7. Never sit on the Kissing Bench with the ‘love of your life.’

They always tell you to never sit on the bench alone, or else you’ll be single for life. But, what about with someone? You’re young, you’re in college, and your significant other, a.k.a Saturday Night’s hook up, is most likely shacking up with 10 other people; one of them is probably your roommate. In the off chance that they may be your One and Only, save the sitting for when you’re old. It’s healthier to be active, not sitting on a cold, stone bench. Never sit.

8. Never get caught in the shower during a fire drill.

It’s cold and that towel is thin, the worst possible thing ever to happen to a Syracuse student. Unwittingly, they wrap themselves in their feeble towel and stand out in the freezing cold with their shower flip flops still dripping wet. There are two solutions to this problem. 1. Bring a change of clothes to the bathroom, or at the very least, a coat. 2. Never shower. Trust me when I say that everyone around you would prefer if you chose option 1.

[Secret Solution 3. Let the flames consume. You’re wet. How much damage could really be done?]

9. Never go out before 12 A.M.

Serious advice here, people. If you dare to walk the streets of Comstock, Euclid, or Walnut before midnight, the only excitement you’ll get is a whistle from the pre-gamers hanging drunkenly from a second story window. Everyone at Syracuse knows the only way to hit the good parties is by showing up late, already drunk, and covered in someone else’s puke. Party on, Cuse!

10. Never ‘reply all’ to an email.

Seriously, guys. This is common knowledge and it is unbelievable that Syracuse students [and alumni] still cannot fathom the concept of just replying to one individual. Do we really want another Parking Permits incident?

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