Early in the morning on Christmas day, you decide to check out the living room (where all the presents are usually found). Upon walking into the room, you notice a vast collection of gifts. There’s even one right next to you that has your name on it! You reach out, intending to touch the Christmas gift, but decide to open it when the rest of your family wakes up. In the meantime, you gingerly step into the living room to find any more presents addressed to you. The thought that you may receive a lot of gifts that you don’t want for Christmas passes quickly through your mind, but you’re positive that they’ll all be great!
Once everyone has entered the living room, you pick up your first present. The first Christmas gift you’ve selected to open is small, but you figured that you’d start with the tiny gifts and work your way up to the big ones. So, after ensuring that you have the attention of everyone in the room, you open the gift to find…a gift card to Red Lobster. You stare at this card for a moment or two, processing the gift in your mind. You almost ask if there was a mistake, but you’re positive that there wasn’t one.
Setting the gift card aside, you look around the room for another present to open. You don’t have to look far, since there’s another small one right next to you. The label reads “Merry Christmas, from Santa.” If this is from Santa, then this Christmas gift must be good. Opening it up slowly, you find a small envelope. Curious, you tear off the top and peer inside to find a $100 bill. Really? Receiving money is not all bad, but you still think to yourself that Santa could’ve tried harder to actually buy you a gift instead of just giving you money to get your own.
Thankfully, that was the last really small Christmas gift, so maybe you’ll start getting better ones now. You think that Santa may have hidden the good gifts on the far side of the living room, so you get up off the floor and make your way over there. Sure enough, there is a bigger Christmas gift with your name on it right beneath the window. Picking it up, you quickly tear off the wrapping paper, no longer concerned with building the anticipation. When you finally see what it is, you close your eyes and hang your head: it’s an iPod dock. You haven’t used your iPod in two years, so this gift is basically useless.
When will you ever find a Christmas gift that’s at least decent? The small ones didn’t interest you, and neither did the iPod dock. You suddenly hear your mother call you from over by the couch. She found another gift for you! Excited for a split second, you hurriedly walk over to the couch and take the narrow box from your mother’s outstretched hand. Once you rip the paper off and toss away the top of the box, you see some clothes. Clothes don’t interest you (you believe you have enough already) and, to make matters worse, they aren’t even new. They’re from Goodwill!
You drop the box with your new used shirt from Goodwill on the ground at your mother’s feet without a word and turn back into the living room to search for more gifts. “Why does Santa hate me?” you ask yourself. Walking to the middle of the pile of presents, you spot another Christmas gift addressed to you. You reach for it with one hand but, surprisingly, it’s too heavy for you to lift. You reason that the gift must be good since it’s heavy and kneel down to open it right where you found it. Peeling off one side of the wrapping paper reveals a picture of roller-skates. Without any hesitation, you stop unwrapping the gift and walk off to find a new one.
After standing back up and walking away, you find yourself in a sea of discarded wrapping paper. Raising one leg high above the ground, you leap with your back leg in an attempt to reach the clear floor on the other side. Unfortunately, your front foot lands on some sort of object, making you collapse face first onto the floor. You angrily check to see what caused you to fall only to find a soccer ball with your name on it. You toss this Christmas gift over your head without looking behind you, only to hear the sound of broken glass and the rustle of the tree. Turning around, you realize that you threw your new ball at the Christmas tree while breaking some glass ornaments.
After this event, your parents make you take a quick timeout on the couch while your siblings open more of their presents. Since you’re paying attention to other people, you see that your brother just received a PS5 as a Christmas gift from Uncle Jerry. The excitement of your brother is infectious, and you find yourself asking your parents if you can open your gift from Uncle Jerry too. Your parents allow you to do this, and Jerry goes outside to get your gift from his car. When he comes back inside, your face falls: it’s a plastic sled with the sticker from Walmart still attached. This Christmas gift doesn’t even make any sense. How are you going to use a sled since you live in Orlando?
Apparently, that sled was the last big Christmas gift you’re going to receive this year. All that’s left is to go through your stocking. When your father brings over your stocking to you, you’re surprised to see that there’s a hat over top of it. As you examine the hat, your mother tells you that it’s called a trilby. You go over to the mirror on the wall and put it on. It looks fine on you but, when you take it off, you find that your beautifully styled hair is matted down. Why wear a hat when you have a perfectly good head of hair? You’ll probably wear it when you’re bald like your lame Uncle Jerry, but that won’t be for about 50 years.
As you’re about to upend your whole stocking, your father puts his hand on your arm and tells you to go slowly. Grudgingly you comply and take out each item one at a time. This year, it appears that the Christmas gift that you usually get in your stocking has been replaced by microwaveable food. You take out a packet from your stocking and turn it around in your hands. It’s ramen soup. Rising off the couch, you head into the pantry and look around. At the bottom of the pantry, right in the front, is a new bag of ramen soups that only has one missing. Yours.
You stand in front of the pantry, shocked and unable to process what’s been happening the entire morning. Each and every Christmas gift you’ve received has been terrible. Why? You can’t stop asking yourself this question as you hold your ramen noodles. Soon, your mother comes over and, spotting the nasty look on your face, drags you up to your room and tells you to finish opening your stocking up here. She closes the door on you, and you’re left sitting on your bed with your stocking. Reaching in, you grab a big fistful of candy and take it out to see what you got. It’s the leftover Halloween candy from a couple months ago that nobody ate. You feel that they’re rock hard, but you unwrap one anyway and begin to eat it while you hear your family start to sing ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ from downstairs.
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