Things That Sound Better In Retrospect

We all have a moment in our lives where we have been forced to realize that sometimes when fantasy comes to life it’s not nearly as magical as we imagined. If truth be told, the reality of the fantasy is a downright disappointing illusion. Imagine Mickey Mouse coming to life and instead of a cute little mouse with big round black ears and a goofy animated voice you got a huge pot-bellied mouse with foul breath that somehow smelled like regret. This is what this article is embracing, the reality that not everything that sounds good is good.  Here is a list of ten things that are the second version of Mickey but are disguised as the first version of oh so magical Mickey. 

1.) Things Not Worth Doing- Shower sex

Yeah… You heard me. It’s a soaped up scam. Shampoo in the eyes, makeup dissolved like you’re hope to still look sexy, bad lighting, a subtle battle for the water, and faux fun is what shower sex can be summed up as. While it is possible to have a watery wonderful, satisfying, and sexy time for all, it is less likely than the movies, tv shows, and porn display. If all those sources were to be realistic then you would hear less moaning and more “maybe if we use conditioner it will be easier”. You would see not a  dynamic showering duo but more of an uncomfortable shoving the other out of the way so you too can know what water feels like because it seems as if you have been given a chance to forget such a thing and have instead have been given the chance to remember that your partner is a water hog. Oh, but must we not forget when you DO have the right of way and are reacquainted with the downpour coming from your shower head. Now, instead of being deprived of water, you are being assaulted by it. Depending on the showerhead position and the water pressure you might find yourself periodically choking on water, blinded and baffled, or begging the pathetically weak water stream to pick up the pace (or in this case pick up the pressure) all the while still trying to look hot. 

Needless to say, whether you’re showering with that random you just met or the person you’ve loved for years it is good to keep in mind that this escapade more times than not showers you with the knowledge that in the end, some things are better solo and showering is one of them. 

2.) Things Not Worth Doing- Those Blunt Bangs

This is highly dependent on your face shape, features, dedication, and the style of bangs you’re going for, which might seem unfair but babes I would not be being honest if blunt bangs were not on the list of things not worth doing. There are so many different types of bangs so if you are dying for a change then go for it but keep in mind that once those scissor blades clap against your hair the move has been made and there is no going back. Not only can forehead fringe highlight less flattering features on your face (once again, depends on the face shape, your features, and the style of bangs you’re going for) but bangs are high maintenance. They can either be the gift that keeps on giving or the curse that doesn’t quit for multiple reasons. One of these reasons is that they need to be trimmed regularly to stay healthy which is time-consuming and costly. Another thing is that they can be itchy on your forehead and even have the ability to give you acne due to the oil your hair constantly produces. This is a good segway to how they can look greasy even if you took a shower that very same morning. Because they are in constant cahoots with your forehead, where the skin produces oil constantly, bangs can get greasy fast so consider if you want to increase the amount you shower in a week or even in a day before taking the plunge. Lastly, while bangs are indeed hair and can grow out, the time it takes for them to grow out can be pretty lengthy and during that time your bangs will have a mind of their own so styling them will introduce a new challenge to the long list of why getting bangs are things not worth doing.

3.) Things Not Worth Doing/Buying- Drinking Yourself into Oblivion

You’re out and about having fun, being flirty, and are actively throwing back shots. While that next shot or drink might sound tempting, remember this- tomorrow will have no mercy on your hungover soul. Enough said.

4.) Things Not Worth Doing/Buying- Toning Shoes (think Reebok EasyTone, Sketchers Shape-Ups, New Balance True Balance Toning Shoes, etc.)

NEED I SAY MORE? These grotesque creations not only are attachable upon sight but also they have no scientific backing. Meaning, you are pretty much committing fashion arson for zero reasons. While manufacturers claim that the unstable design on the bottom of the shoes forces wearers, or fashion sinners, to use their leg muscles more which in turn hypothetically burns more calories and tones the muscles this has not been proven. In other words, researchers show that these shoes are not worth your money and are rightfully placed in the things not worth doing or buying pile.

5.) Things Not Worth Doing/Buying- Pets

Fury, scaly, prickly, feathery, or fluffy there is a little voice that most of us have heard that whispers “maybe I should adopt a pet”. Though this thought is common, you do need to consider the drawbacks of adopting a pet. Not only will your life be greatly impacted but so will the life of your pet. You have to keep in mind that this new member of the family will be completely dependent on you and it’s unfair to invite this new life into yours if you aren’t willing to put it first. That means, paying for vet visits, food, grooming, pet tags, a safe environment, and so much more. Money aside, pets also require attention which requires your time. You might envision yourself at the dog park watching good ole Spot make furry friends. Now, envision it cold and raining. You’re shivering sitting on a bench praying the weirdo with the mutt doesn’t try to make conversation with you like last time and at a standstill waiting until Spot seems tired enough to go home. “Finally,” you think when Spot seems positively exhausted but what’s this? Your furry beloved, Spot, is now covered nose to tail in mud. He will need to be bathed or taken to the groomer which takes time you conveniently don’t have that day. What are you going to do? See? THESE are the scenarios that cute little voice doesn’t sing to you but life does. Before you say “Well, a ___ doesn’t require all of that” let me assure you that while a fish won’t want to be pet nor taken to a park, a fish will want a sanitary fishbowl, to be fed and to be correctly cared for just like a more high maintenance pet such as a dog, reptile or cat. The point is, owning a pet is not just fun and games. Owning a pet is fun, frustrating, patience-testing, and most of all, being reminded that the game of responsibility is unapologetic. If you are not prepared to be a good pet owner then save us all a call to pet services and visit animals at your local Humane Society instead.

6.) Things Not Worth Doing- Making Friends With The Guy Or Girl Next Door

Coming in at another thing I have done that is not worth doing is making friends with your neighbors. Making friends with the guy or girl next door can be rewarding… or it can be annoying. It matters who your neighbor is, obviously. All I’m saying is that unless you know you will want to say hi to them with a possible side of conversation every time you see them then it’s best to have neighbors as acquaintances rather than friends.  A head nod will do an uninvited hour-long conversation because you accidentally got the mail at the same time as they did, will not. In no way am I saying ignore your neighbors. I am just saying be cautious of being overly friendly or extra chatty because certain people will expect every encounter with you from that moment onward to be like that which gets can get exhausting. If you’re not getting paid then there is no reason to play the role of a character other than yourself.

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7.) Things Not Worth Doing- DIY Face Masks

It’s the unexpected mess for me… A sentence that cannot be better represented by anyone other than DIY face masks. The pinnacle of disturbing the peace the DIY face mask is not what Snapchat Stories or Instagram boasts. If (a strong ‘if’ mind you) you own the arbitrary ingredients a DIY face mask recipe calls for then don’t be surprised when an automatic mess is made. After you have concocted the facemask made of Pinterest dreams there is the application. The application never goes smoothly. The texture isn’t right so it is difficult to distribute, the slimy yet sticky putrid potion gets in your mouth or eyebrow, and the process of washing it off takes so long that you probably will have received your stimulus check by the time your face is mask free. If you want to give yourself a treat then treat yourself to a premade face mask instead of a mess to clean up, you deserve it.

8.) Things Not Worth Doing- HelloFresh

My fingers cannot type fast enough, HelloFresh commercials are a lie. You are led to believe that being given all of the ingredients, recipe instructions and preplanned meal picks will grant you the ability to make a meal in less time. I am surprised the company isn’t nicknamed Spidey with all the web of lies they weave! The meals never take the time they advertise. Add 30-45 minutes to the time they tell you it will take for you to make the meal and that’s a better guesstimate on when you’re meal will be ready to eat. Also, because you’re spending so much on HelloFresh, you’re not going to the grocery for snacks or to get ingredients for easy meals that aren’t time-consuming to make. This makes enjoying a quick meal rare which is troublesome for those on the go. HelloFresh can be beneficial for some but for me, an active 25-year-old trying to live on a budget, it was not my freshest idea. 

9.) Things Not Worth Doing- Eyelash Extensions

If you haven’t spent an abundance of money on eyelash extensions hear me when I say DON’T! It’s not that they don’t skyrocket your attractiveness plus confidence, it’s that they do. Eyelash extensions will have you feeling like a million bucks which they should as getting them done each month (it takes about a month for the eyelash extensions to shed if applied properly) will add up to a million bucks real quick. Eyelash extension costs vary with location but are generally priced at $150-$300. Refills, however, can cost anywhere from $55-$150. As you can imagine, this adds up quickly. The ironic thing about getting eyelash extensions is that many have reported that they actually harm their natural eyelashes. Some say that’s a myth stating that people just think the extensions ruin their natural lashes because they are used to seeing their lashes with the extensions as opposed to not. When I had my lashes done I noticed no harm to my natural lashes until I got extensions every month. I then started to notice how the weight of the lash extensions were making my natural lashes more brittle and susceptible to falling out. If this is fact or fiction I am unsure. I also remember how awkward my eyelashes looked when all of the extensions were falling out and only one remained intact. In conclusion, the drawl to eyelash extensions are warranted but instead of shelling out money for lashes that are only temporary, invest in a lash serum, like Latisse or Rodan + Fields Lash Boost, that will give you results (without potential harm to your real lashes) for less! After all, it is better to be safe with eyelashes than sorry without! 

10.) Things Not Worth Doing/buying- That Cool Sports Car

I am no better than the next person who wants to cruise around looking like they inhale luxury and exhale cash but the fact is this- unless you have another car, owning that cool sports car that resembles the one featured in your dad’s favorite action film is not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it’s inconvenient. I am saying this from experience. No, I didn’t own a Porsche but I did have a Solara Convertible at one point in my adolescence. I was convinced this car was meant for me. To make a long story short, I was wrong. Not only was I too short to be able to fully see out of the back when reversing but also the back window was tiny! In addition to those glaring (not to mention unsafe) faults, it was more compact than I was used to which made moving from dorm to house to apartment in college a five trip job instead of what could have been at most two trips. Tiny cars might seem cool, make you feel like James Bond, and seem to be the “it” thing but unless “it” is code for inconvenient you will come to find that sports cars are merely Hot Wheels for adults. A plus of small cars is you never have to be the designated driver because your car is too small to carry more than four passengers or less. Cheers to a sliver sized silver lining! 

So there you have it, my top ten list of things not worth doing based on my own and other’s experiences. On the other hand, some like to learn by doing and who am I to stop them? When push comes to shove, be it in a shower or not, what might be a walk on Elm Street for me maybe a walk on Main Street for you so use your best judgment, heed my warnings and say hello to Mickey for me!