Let’s get it out of the way right off the bat; guilty pleasure songs shouldn’t even exist. The quality of music is completely subjective, and it is totally arbitrary what collections of noises sound good to your ears. We ought to simply listen to what we like, end of story. Who cares if it’s cool?
However, for someone like me who has to suppress their inner elitist hipster douchebag all the time, that’s easier said than done. So often I find myself incapable of fully enjoying a song free from the shackles of irony. Here are the songs that I wish I could love with all of my heart, but the fedora in my closet just won’t let me. To be clear, the fedora is a metaphor. I don’t actually own a fedora.
Oh, Biz, the poor guy. Markie’s lament for the friend zone from 1989 is so delightfully hilarious in its sincerity. The piano melody that carries the entire track is so bright and corny it could’ve been written by Europe, Asia or presumably any other cheesy 80’s continent.
The chorus is so impassioned and heartfelt that you cant help but feel his pain, but so poorly sung that you can’t help but laugh. That’s what makes this song so great. It makes you empathize with his heartbreak and laugh at it at the same time. I hope Biz is okay.
Whatever distinct genre tag you’d like to give this band – emo, post-hardcore, etc. – I think “screamo” is the perfect encapsulation of what they were trying to do, and this is perhaps the screamo-est screamo song of all time.
“So cut my wrists and black my eyes
So I can fall asleep tonight or die
Because you kill me”
Subtlety isn’t the name of the game here. No, it’s all about mascara and bangs, angst and edge. Back when I was a prepubescent edge lord I had a shirt that said “You don’t mess with Hawthorne Heights.” I cringe so hard at the thought because not only was listening to this band the precise opposite of being tough, it took a tremendous amount of hubris to convince myself that anyone would possibly care at all that I liked them.
Still, I can’t deny the impact that this song had on me at an early age, and if it ever comes on, you can bet I’ll be singing every word, flipping my bangs back and forth with every breath. I know ugly-crying is a thing, but is ugly-singing?
If this song comes on and you don’t immediately start doing the head thing – and you know exactly what I’m talking about – then you need your pulse checked. So why, then, is this on a list of guilty pleasure songs when it’s so universally beloved? I couldn’t possibly imagine myself or anyone else actually sitting down to listen to this song attentively. It exists as a parody of itself, and so do I.
Alright, we do have one pick on this list that is a literal guilty pleasure. Do we separate the art from the artist? There is no doubt that R. Kelly is a terrible person, but damn this song is just so smooth. I do think that listening to his music on a regular basis could be a tacit admission that you don’t really care about his horrible crimes, but if it comes on every now and then? We’re all Meryl Streep in that one meme.
Now we’re back to existential crises that only concern my ego, and not the morality of consuming art made by awful people. It feels good. This song is an unquestionable banger, but it makes me uncomfortable just how much I like it. Even the angriest, most repressed people have to admit that the chorus is nothing short of anthemic. This is one of those songs that make me question my entire taste in music, and even who I am as a person. Who am I?
This one’s hard to talk about. I was 9-years old when the music video came out, and let’s just say it was formative for me. I remember seeing this on MTV back when that channel’s name made sense and people actually watched cable TV and thinking “I shouldn’t be watching this.” I felt different.
This really is a great pop song, but it comes with a tremendous amount of guilt for me because let’s be honest, sexuality and shame go hand and hand. Also R. Kelly is credited as a producer on this album. Can’t we have nice things?
Let’s throw a bucket of cold water on this list. You know what, that’s not even cold enough. Let’s lock it in a liquid nitrogen chamber. Listening to Steely Dan in 2021 feels like being pulled into a wormhole at the bottom of a bowl of oatmeal.
Yes, if you’ve ever wanted to two-step your way through the bingo hall in style, pop that “Can’t Buy A Thrill” cassette into your Walkman and let the geriatric bliss take over. Shake those replaced hips.
This Nickelodeon-ass song is probably the worst track on this entire list, but if it comes on you bet your ass I’m going to sing that chorus with the sincerity of a sad adult. I’m no longer a kid at all, but life sure is a nightmare. I think this song was probably written with the intention of winning a Kid’s Choice Award, which they absolutely did not.
I’ve never been so nostalgic for something that I didn’t even like that much when it first came out. Long before Eminem was being cancelled by gen Z, his group released this parody of itself. It’s indistinguishable whether the track itself is supposed to be good or not, but its sense of humor and self awareness isn’t something you see much of anymore. I have no idea what to say about the salsa section, though.
As a self-loathing white person, I’m naturally quite antagonistic to songs that make white people too excited, and that describes every Bon Jovi hit. While I absolutely despise “Livin’ On A Prayer,” there’s something about this one that I can’t resist.
It must be the guitar tone on the opening lead. It’s just so incredibly 80’s, it gets a chef’s kiss and an explosion of glitter. I’ll never feel good about liking this song though, and I’ll never feel good about the album title either. “Slippery When Wet” is redundant and obvious as a warning sign, but gross and scummy as an album name. They should have just called it “Moist.”
Speaking of songs that enthuse white people too much, this may just be the cheesiest song of all time. Sometimes excessive cheese is exactly what you want. Falling into a giant vat of warm nacho cheese is only a bad thing if you allow it to be. Do you struggle like it’s quick sand, or do you open wide and welcome your savory demise?
Its inclusion in “Saints Row IV” is one of the silliest moments in gaming history, as the chorus begins to swell as the main character scales a nuclear warhead that’s been launched in order to disable it. In fact, it joins “What Is Love” and “Just A Friend” as the third song from that game’s soundtrack on this list. They really tapped into something when they licensed their music.
What happens when one of the premiere pop punk bands from the early 00’s decides to embrace an emo/goth aesthetic on their next album? Apparently they also decide to put out an incredibly obnoxious dance song with terrible falsettos in the chorus and a music video where they dress as food.
Really, this song’s chorus is sonically detestable, yet so damn catchy. It gets those booty cheeks moving in ways that have never made less sense.
Fergie, why did you do that to the National Anthem? Honestly, this song isn’t much better than that uncomfortably sexy version of America’s theme song. It’s pretty terrible. So why does it conclude this list?
I absolutely adore the egotism it requires to take your own name, turn it into an adjective, and make that the title of your single. We can all learn from Fergie. Her confidence is second to none. We should all aspire to be a little bit more fergalicious.
Images via Rhino Entertainment Company, Victory Records, Coconut Records, Fueled By Ramen, Jive Records, ABC Records, Atlantic Records, Shady Records, Mercury Records, Columbia Records, Epic Records and A&M Records
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