The Art Of The Twitter Beef
While Twitter may feel like a soul-sucking parasite that preys on our insecurities and attention spans, there is one thing that the bird app has brought that is an unequivocal good: the Twitter beef. Yes, there is no entertainment quite like watching celebrities squabble over superfluous things. One combatant is sure to be ratio’d into oblivion, but simply carry on as if they’re not being massacred. Enjoy a selection of just a few of the best recent Twitter beefs, and laugh along with the social media lunacy that follows.
Seth Rogen Vs. Ted Cruz
In our first bout, we have the beloved Canadian stoner-comedy legend Seth Rogen sparring with the reviled Republican senator and Zodiac killer, Ted Cruz. The court of public opinion had already decided the victor before this battle even got started, but let’s take a look at how it all went down.
It all started with Cruz’s tweet that criticized rejoining the Paris Climate Agreement. It was an asinine statement that asserted that president Biden was “…more interested in the views of the citizens of Paris than in the jobs of the citizens of Pittsburgh.” That was a ridiculous assertion that not only opposed ecological responsibility, but it also seemed to indicate that Cruz didn’t even understand what the Paris Climate Agreement actually is.
Rogen chimed in with a kind, succinct reply that simply said “Fuck off you fascist.” Remember when we said earlier about getting ratio’d into oblivion? Rogen’s comment got roughly 100,000 more likes than Cruz’s original post. Yikes.
The beef doesn’t end there, however, as the two continued to clap back at each other for a while. Rogen would appear on random Cruz tweets like an innocuous reply about the first film he had ever seen in a theater. It was the Disney classic “Fantasia.” According to Rogen, everyone who made that film would hate dear old Ted. Then Cruz made an ableist joke about Tourette’s. What an incredible world we live in that our politicians interact with people this way.
Lil Nas X Vs. Conservatives
“Old Town Road” rapper Lil Nas X knows how to use Twitter to the fullest. He’s utilized and embraced meme culture about as well as anyone, and this has never been more true than in the wake of his new video for the song “Montero (Call Me By Your Name).” In it, he rides a stripper pole down into Hell, tantalizes Satan himself with a lap dance, then promptly snaps his neck. How could something so silly draw the ire of anyone? In come the conservatives.
He was criticized by everyone from political pundit Candace Owens to the Governor of South Dakota. While this certainly raises the question of who the real snowflakes are, there is no doubt that what Lil Nas X is doing is absolutely working. His song debuted at number 1 on the Billboard charts, proving that he knows how to use social media to great ends.
This is the pure essence of the Twitter beef. No digital dust-ups are done with pure intentions. They only exist for the personal gain of those involved, but what makes them so fascinating is that one party will surely fail to anticipate the results. That’s why they’re so fun — public retribution for the combination of selfishness and a lack of tact.
Kevin Durant Vs. Michael Rappaport
NBA Twitter is incredible. It’s constantly brimming with unnecessary drama in a way that’s unlike any other sport. Kevin Durant is one of the best players in the game today and is destined for the Hall of Fame when he retires. Michael Rappaport is a comedian, podcaster and agitator who lives for stirring the pot on Twitter and Instagram.
Rappaport snitched on KD, posting their DM conversation from Instagram on his Twitter. In it, Durant used some misogynistic and homophobic insults to slight Rappaport. Durant tweeted that the two interact like this all the time, but Rappaport chose that day to suddenly air their dirty laundry.
Whether that’s true or not remains to be seen, but it certainly tracks. Rappaport will materialize beef with anyone who will take the bait. He does list the word “disruptor” among his occupations in his bio, after all. #ImDaRealMVP.
Trump Vs. All Social Media
There is no greater example of the power of the Twitter beef than Donald Trump. He rode these social spats all the way to the top of the political food chain. His entire presidency had many of us pining for the days when he was simply a reality TV host who would constantly tussle with Rosie O’Donnell.
The fact that a sitting president was completely wiped from all major social media outlets following the attack on the capitol on January 6 was a staggering display of the power of big social media companies, as well as a testament to just how insane the country had gotten. The current administration’s frequent walking in slow motion tweets feel like such a breath of fresh air, even though they’re corny and completely meaningless.
Jose Canseco
This one’s less of a beef and more of a fascinating oddity. If you don’t know, Canseco is a former Major League Baseball slugger and known steroid user. His Twitter presence is delightfully bizarre, and it deserves further examination.
For some perspective, his most recent tweets at the time of writing see him communing with extraterrestrials. First, aliens told him that the meek will inherit the Earth after the rich destroy it and colonize another planet. Okay, so far so good.
His next post that came a few days later said “You can’t control Bigfoot or aliens so you can’t control me either.” Those are some fighting words.
He capped off his space opera trilogy with this gem. “Fell asleep and woke up to 3 female aliens probing Me for crypto info.” Now, this raises some questions. Why did he capitalize “Me?” Why is he having intergalactic wet dreams? What crypto information does he have that would warrant probing? What does Canseco know?
This all serves to set the scene for just how ridiculous his actual beefs really are. He predicted and rejoiced in the news that Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez were breaking up, even though that turned out to be false. He snitched on former teammate Mark McGwire for cheating for no apparent reason at all. Canseco is unhinged and unpredictable, and a source of constant entertainment.
Chris Redd Vs. Being Remembered
If you don’t know who Chris Redd is, there’s a reason for it. He’s a current cast member on SNL who’s appeared in some pretty high-profile sketches, only to get erased from them by media outlets. Redd has made a habit out of poking fun at articles that leave him out of headlines.
It’s only a matter of time before SNL turns this phenomenon into its own sketch. The image below is a picture of Pete Davidson, Timothée Chalamet, Kid Cudi and no one else.
