15 Signs You’re Too New To College
College is the one time you can get away with almost anything by saying that you were finding yourself. It is as close to the mythical land of ‘endless possibilities’ (and stuff like that) as real life gets. So when we’re new to college, we arrive with our own versions of how it’s supposed to be, wanting deep-down that it’ll be exactly how TV series portray frat parties, movies hype Greek life, Youtube shows dorm aesthetic, websites glorify happy faces, and Princeton Review and Niche rate college life.
Here is a list of what most people usually do while they still believe that they are living in their own mythical land version of college before reality slaps them in the face. Read on to find out if you too are too new to college.
1. You’re still spending like you used to back home.
In high school, you would ask for 5-10 dollars to spend at the mall and your parents would tell you to spend it wisely but pay anyway. Now, you’ve worked out a huge monthly allowance and are so sure you’re never running out of cash. Let me just say, you’ll be happy swiping the credit card until you’re swiping your employee card at the local grocery store. Because once you realize that you need to buy cleaning supplies and actually spend on every meal every day, you’ll feel the weight of an empty wallet every time you decide to go out.
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2. You dream about getting drunk every night.
No parents, no curfews and late mornings mean drinking every night. Let’s also not forget the movies that taught us that college is all about the booze and parties. So be it a Friday or a Tuesday, every night is THE night. Enjoy it while it lasts, because very soon, you’ll hate the big red C- on your next essay and your wallet will say, “No.”
3. You don’t drink because it’s bad for health.
“I don’t drink, I am more of a stay in and read a book kind of person”, “I can’t drink, it’s bad for the liver”, “Why do you even drink? Alcohol tastes so bad!” This is what you tell your friends when they go out looking for a good time. Don’t you?
Well, this would be you…just wait for it.
4. You think you can get by without ever doing laundry.
The smell test is a part of your morning routine. So is scrubbing that little stain with hand-soap. But forget that, you’re entirely convinced that you have enough clothes to last you out till the next time you go back home. All because taking that 3-minute walk to the laundry room requires dedication and some sense of organization, and you believe college is all about that ‘chill life’.
5. You haven’t yet had an awkward bathroom incident.
You’ve always had a bathrobe on, never had the towel almost slip off in the hallway, never bumped into a hook up half naked, never started singing carefree in the toilet, never been walked in on in the shower. Your life is just perfect, nothing bad has happened yet. YET.
6. You hope you and your roommates will magically become best friends.
Any minute now, your roommate is going to have a nervous breakdown and you’re going to be her knight and shining armor. Or one night, he’s going to invite you to be his wingman and you guys will realize you were just Kirk and Spock waiting to happen. My friend, let me join you in hoping for the most stereotypical dream whilst knowing there are only ground rules and limited conversation at the end of the tunnel.
7. Your long distance relationship is going perfectly.
You FaceTime every day and you’re probably sending each other snapchats of the beautiful places and fun things you want to see and do together. The ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ texts are flying out all the time. Everything is perfect in Lala land. Maybe after the first couple of frat parties, and snapchat stories of drinking shots with the hot blonde (who’s just a friend), you’ll see why a long-distance relationship in college is a sad excuse for ‘our love is stronger than that’.
8. You aren’t used to the open hook up culture.
In an era where foreplay is a lost art, chivalry and dinner before ‘dessert’ is probably best considered a joke. You still expect the tongue to do some talking before stroking. So when someone asks you, straight-up, let’s ‘head’ to my room, you run…away.
9. You dress up for class.
No more dress-code means dress to impress. You’re ready to put Serene Van Der Woodsen to shame. You have the next day’s outfit laid out – not too much, not too little. You match your shoes with your bag and your jacket with your jeans/shorts/skirts. Soon you’ll just hope your pajamas are acceptable if worn with a t-shirt instead of a sweatshirt.
10. You’re mapping the way to class.
Feed in the name of your hall, select the walking option and allow Google Maps to take you along its 18-minute journey to a class that you’re probably already running late for. Don’t worry, soon, you’re going to find out that it only takes about 4 minutes through a campus shortcut and that you’ve been wasting 12 minutes and precious breaths every-goddam-day! Better late than never.
11. You attend all your 8am classes.
HAHAHAHA. Keep going. You do you. Do while you can still do.
12. You drink fancy coffee.
Your order goes something like, “A tall Frappuccino in skimmed milk with 2 pumps of caramel, whipped cream and a single shot of espresso”. Because coffee is all about the taste and the hype and the slight rush of excitement. You’re simply partying and peacefully procrastinating. You don’t understand the concept of ‘needing caffeine’, you enjoy coffee.
Probably a month down the line, your order would be something like, “Coffee, please”. Because you have 9 hours to complete 4 essays. And you need caffeine.
13. You think you can get an ‘A’ in an all-nighter.
In high school, you would start typing at 9pm and by 4am you have an ‘A’ worthy essay and 2 hours to sleep. How lucky! But with those writing-intensive courses, thesis papers and world-class lecturers referencing 8 different books, an essay written overnight is as good as eating soya beans for chicken.
14. You love everything about college.
College is the dream. The freedom to do whatever you want is all you’ve ever wanted. Late nights, beers, parties, new friends, sex and no rules. For you, this is as good as life gets. I just hope you get bored of the fun before waking up to the fact that you have 3 hours of class a day because the rest of the day is meant to work. I also hope your endeavors are supported by your wallet, and your professors, and your grades, and your future and the adult responsibilities you never knew you had.
15. You haven’t started missing your mom.
You’re glad that there’s no quota to how much junk food you can eat, that no one is criticizing your every move, and that no one is nagging you to spend more time with family. However, as the weeks go by, you long home-food, seek honest opinions and value family time. The twice a week 5 minute video-chats, become short texts of appreciation, which become quick life updates…until…your mom seems more like a friend than a parent.
