How To Sexile The Right Way

Sex is ubiquitous on all college campuses. From the IVs to big state schools, undergrads everywhere are gettin’ it on like there’s no tomorrow. And why shouldn’t they? Hooking up is a major part of the college culture. Students ought to get the most out of their newfound freedom and abundant access to young, hot, like minded individuals.

That being said, I don’t view sex at school through rose-colored glasses. Oh, no! No, no, no. If anything, it’s (at least) fifty shades. Somewhere along the grey spectrum lies the logistics of the act. When you share a living space with others it’s difficult to have any romantic alone time. Just as it is impossible for you to avoid encountering sex in one way or another at school, it is equally inevitable that you will be sexiled or sexile someone else during your tenure. It’s never fun when it happens to you and you’ll probably feel a modicum of guilt when you’re the responsible party. However, sexiling is not a crisis situation, but to make it suck less I’ve compiled this short list of tips on how to sexile the right way.

First things first, you need to get in the right mindset.

Realize that sex is normal, healthy, and should be enjoyed. If you’re the one giving others the boot, be mindful of their feelings while also not letting yourself feel like you’re doing something wrong. So long as you’ve asked and/or given plenty of notice and they’ve agreed, then you’re good to go. They shouldn’t guilt-trip you for living your life. Likewise, if you’re the one vacating, you can’t let jealousy or opposing values about casual sex get in the way of your relationship with your roommate. If you have a problem then speak up, but remember that you two share a living space and at times you’ll have to be willing to compromise. Besides, you never know if you might need them to return the favor! #Tit*forTat

*Pun intended

Make a roommate contract ASAP.

Within the first week of school, you all should establish your (hard) limits and what you expect to get out of living with one another. Include simple things like bedtimes, class schedules, cleaning chores, etc. But don’t ignore the painful, yet necessary stuff like overnight guests and gentlemen callers in the room. Be firm: set deadlines for each other of when you would like to be notified of visitors and if/when you’re okay with being sexiled. For example, if you know I have a Chemistry midterm tomorrow, don’t ask me to give you and your beau the room tonight. In this case, my chemistry trumps y’alls. It may not be the most fun way to start off the year, but trust me you’ll be glad you did it. Since you’re pretty much stuck with your roommate for better or worse, the two of you have to find a way to coexist, and having a set of guidelines can help you both avoid stepping on each others’ toes as much as possible.

Vocalize everything.

Talk about your needs and concerns as they arise and encourage others to do the same with you. Don’t just rely on your contract, maintain an open conversation with your roommate throughout the year so as to alleviate any unnecessary tension. Hopefully you’re friendly enough with your roommates that you don’t feel too weird asking (notice I didn’t say “demanding”) to have the room for a night. Likewise, you should be able to respect their sexual needs when they ask. If you feel you can’t speak to them directly, get a third party involved (like a mutual friend or RA) to help keep the peace while you two improve the situation.

Understand that while sex at school may seem like your biggest concern, there are more important things going on.

Everyone is balancing a social life with academics, sports/athletics, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. If your sexiling is consistently disturbing others’ sleep and living habits, you need to reevaluate. The world does not revolve around you. Mind blown? Also, if your social life has caused you to lose focus in school or expend all your energy on your relationship, you may want to adjust your priorities. Hard work first, hanky panky later, ladies!

Switch up your locations.

If you’re always kicking out your roomies or constantly bringing your S.O. around, naturally your roomie will grow resentful. I’m not saying you guys can’t hook up anymore, I’m merely pointing out that you never go to his place even though he lives in a single and you have four roommates…you do the math. Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with the occasional evacuation, but if he’s spending more nights at our place than his he’s gonna need to start contributing to the rent.

When possible try coordinating your sexiles.

It works like this: one weekend (or whenever) you and your S.O. take the apartment and I go to my guy’s place, the next we switch. We can figure out a schedule that works for us, but this way we never have to bump into each other’s dates after bumpin’ uglies, or sleep with earplugs in for the entire night. Obviously this situation is dependent on both parties being in some sort of relationship and requires cooperation on their partner’s behalf, but it’s worth a shot if it means everyone gets a happy ending*.

What It’s Actually Like Dating Your Best Friend

*I couldn’t resist, I’m a perv.

Don’t get too bent out of shape about it.

If your roommate has done everything in their power to make your sexile as painless as possible and they don’t abuse the privilege too often, then consider yourself lucky. I would rather be kicked out than walk in on my roommate in the act because she gave me no notice *cue awkward-Chrissy-Teigen-at-the-Oscars-face* or have her proceed to have sex while I’m in my bed asleep (drunk or not this is never acceptable)! Try to keep it all in perspective.

Sexiling is not as scary as it sounds and should not be the bane of your existence.

In college, you have to accept that hookups happen, and that they’re not cause for panic. So you got sexiled? So what? Yeah, I know you thought that this would be the worst of the worst—rock bottom—but guess what? The world keeps spinning. And look at you, breathing and shit. You made it through because you used your judgement and were a decent human. That’s all you can do and all you can ask of others. Let the rest go and enjoy!