Gwyneth Paltrow is as close as it gets to a demi-God. Seriously, she does it all; singer, actress, former wife of Chris Martin, mom of two, food writer and GOOP owner. I’d consider that to be a pretty well-rounded individual if you asked me. Not to mention, have you seen her rockin’ bod? If you haven’t already heard about her lifestyle brand GOOP, it’s truly top notch. With the holiday season just around the corner, Paltrow gathers a bunch of holiday gift ideas together and creates the ultimate GOOP Gift Guide. However, as a luxury brand, some of the gifts get a little extravagant. Here are some of the most ridiculous items listed on her previous GOOP gift guide lists. First, we’ll give you a rundown of the company itself.
Goop is a lifestyle brand that praises itself on tapping into six fundamental topics: food, travel, beauty, work, style and wellness. Paltrow makes sure her brand values luxury goods that are high performance and made from organic ingredients. It truly is an amazing company. All celebrities swear by their products and values. Just visiting their site shows you how clean, sophisticated and detailed they are in upholding their brand image. The city guides are a personal favorite. Goop has polished and perfected their image since the launch in 2008. Seriously, if you know anything about Gwyneth, you know she settles for nothing other than the best.
As mentioned a little earlier, Paltrow drops an annual GOOP gift guide to get the holiday spirit rolling. However, if you’ve looked at her holiday list, it’s easy to question if she’s really in touch with reality. Not everyone can afford the most decadent of gifts. We don’t all live that high and mighty life Gwyneth. Get ready to get a kick out of some of her ridiculous gift suggestions.
For some absurd reason Paltrow thinks a $500 Tesla Model S for kids is the appropriate gift for kids ages 5 to 9. Don’t know about you but I would love to drive that thing as a legitimate car. This is the coolest mini car I have ever seen. Forget the fucking Barbie Jeep, this shit has a “frunk” (front trunk), can reverse, a MP3 sound system, working headlights and a working horn. I dunno about you but it sounds like a legit car. Plus it’s battery powered like the actual Tesla itself. If you’d like to get me on Paltrow, I’ll take the Midnight Silver Metallic Tesla. Please don’t forget to customize my rims too. I’d prefer the first option on the list. I’d also like my license plate to say “friend of Paltrow.”
No biggie, I’ll drop $1,100 on a water filter. I do love a good glass of water. After all, their motto is “water for all, anywhere.” Yeah for sure, because water costs $1,100 a pop and we can all afford that. Thankfully they donate part of the proceeds to one organization dedicated to developing sustainable water. I wonder what a part means. So if 5% of proceeds go to this organization, that $55. Cool, so what do you do with the other $1045? Water for all, for sure.
It’s a tank for jellyfish. Duh! You’d expect that to be like… $200 right? Wrong! Try $1,621.27. Wonder what those 27 cents are for? Jellyfish food? It’s legit though so don’t worry. The globe has to resist the pressure of the water within obviously so it’s crucial to find the most resistant and transparent materials to create a jellyfish tank. There’s also a stream maker in the tank which is developed specifically for jellyfish. Shit – they get some seriously dope treatment. They even get a RGB LED light in their tank which makes them glow. I want to live in a tank that makes me look beautiful. It’s not like jellyfish don’t have a central nervous system, aka no brain, and aren’t aware of their surroundings or themselves. Therefore it’s totally justifiable they get the best living accommodations. They also live for a year, so you get to make use of your tank for a whole year! How cool!
If you love playing cards, add this to your wish list. It’s a $2,300 deck of cards. Luckily, they are now on sale for $150. What a steal! Everyone needs a pair of 24KT gold, sterling silver or copper leaf playing cards. That means the price of one single card is, $6. Brilliant idea Paltrow. I could sell each card individually for $6 and make my money’s worth thanks to the GOOP gift guide.
Everyone needs a $1,500 ball and chain for their apartment. No wonder it made its way onto the GOOP gift guide. It opts perfectly as a door stop. If you really are pissed with your partner you can just shackle that around their ankle. Things could get fun in the bedroom too. This is such a practical gift, it totally makes sense to buy one of these.
This is one of the more mild gifts on the GOOP gift guide. One, what the fuck is Mahjong. If any of you know, please let me know. Must be one hell of a board game if it sells for $46,000. Two, get me one of those!
This is the cheapest gift on the GOOP gift guide. A condom dispenser for $42. Why can’t you just keep them in your night stand like a normal person? Does this magical box have powers that make the sex the bomb.com. They should pair this item with the ball and chain for a “Get Laid Gift Guide.” Bet you Christian Grey has one of these nice silver boxes in the red room.
Stop doing peasant work and purchase the $244 toothpaste squeezer on the GOOP Gift Guide. Your life will be so much richer and better with this purchase. No need to get annoyed with your toothpaste not coming out perfectly. This will totally solve that daily problem.
For those of you who love working out, this GOOP gift guide item is next-level. They could even opt for bookends if you’d like. They are chic as fuck and only $125,000. That’s totally in line with my budget. Again, stop being a fucking peasant and put these bad boys next to your $244 toothpaste squeezer.
Last but not least, the best gift on the GOOP gift guides. Paltrow, you are a genius. If you ever feel like skipping out of town, why not just leave this hemisphere. Invest in the world view exploration at the edge of space. It’s only $90,000 and you get to get away from all those pesky stresses of work and daily life. Smile to all the haters in you silver balloon. Fuck spa treatments, this is way better and way more affordable. That’s probably with Paltrow looks flawless. Whenever she’s stressed she just pays a visit 120,000 above earth. NBD! The best part? Free shipping!
If you’re looking for legit gifts you can afford, here is a fun gift guide for gifts under $20.
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