Hundreds of kinky things are waiting to spice up your life, so what are you waiting for? If you’re self-isolating with your partner, then you’re probably tired of the old Netflix & Chill routine. Free your wild side this quarantine season with these bold and daring ideas.
Social distancing can deliver a huge blow to your sex life, especially if you don’t live with your partner. After all, it is difficult to get it on when you must remain six feet apart the whole time. Bring things back to basics with some good old-fashioned phone sex. You might feel like you’re reliving your virgin high school days, but isn’t that a little bit exciting? Roll out the sexy role-play you haven’t tried yet. Boss your partner around – or let them do the bossing. Swap naughty pics. Just make sure you have a good signal.
Sweating out colds is a foolhardy way to try and speed up recovery. Why not give this simple recipe of heat and exercise a twist by adding it to your sex life? Close the windows, crank up the heat and do as the great J. Cole once said, “work out”. Have steamy, hot tantric sex with your lover all the while exuding out toxins from the outside world. Like hot yoga, this will increase blood flow, heart rate, and flexibility, bringing you to the hottest orgasm of your life. Think of it as purifying your body in the dirtiest way possible.
Picture this: your partner, naked, a silken blindfold around their eyes, and the drippiest oils glistening on their skin. You’ve got out the most fragrant essential oils like lavender, coconut, and rosewater, to stimulate your senses and heighten every touch. You take your lover’s smooth hands in your own and rub them down with a cleansing charcoal scrub. Then you swap hands, and together you experience the most sensual handwashing of your existence. Make it last for at least twenty seconds to get the most out of it, but if you want to take things even further beyond, get tantric and tease it out for a full minute.
This is perfect for those who are sensitive to kinky things like friction or tactile sensations. Not to mention it is great barrier protection against open wounds and micro-tears caused by fingernails, which can increase the risk of infection or contagion. You don’t have to be a germaphobe or have a doctor fetish to enjoy this ritual. There are hundreds of different kinky gloves out there to try, like leather, latex, silk, and even ribbed gloves (for your pleasure). If you want to get super freaky, upgrade your standard latex gloves to a full-body suit for extra protection.
Don’t let a sore throat or cough ruin your quarantine sex. A slow, hot, steamy makeout sesh with a soothing lozenge can be one of the kinkiest things in the world. Experiment with different flavors, like cherry, lemon, mint, or blue raspberry. By the time you have made it into the bedroom, your tongues will sport a sexy blue tinge. Make a game out of it by seeing whose mouth the lozenge melts completely in – the winner gets to choose the next flavor. Not only will this lubricate an irritated throat, but it may also lubricate other areas.
Give your partner a sensual VapoRub chest massage to alleviate their cough and stuffy airways. Think of it like when you rub each other down with sunscreen when you go to the beach, except at home! With the cool, tingling sensations of VapoRub. The warm, tactile hands of your lover unwinding your sore, congested parts with the titillating cream will make you melt like a popsicle. Disclaimer: Vicks VapoRub is for external use only and should not be used in or near the vagina as it can damage the membranes and cause infection.
If you’re curious about kinky things like breathplay, there has never been a better time to start. Masks may be in high demand right now, but you can spare the surgical mask for those who really need it and invest in a hot, kinky breathplay mask instead. These masks are engineered perfection for erotic asphyxiation fans. They are designed to cut off oxygen to give you partner a quick thrill – and they double as protective gear to keep your coughing and sneezing in! Try a harness breathplay mask for an easy fit that you can slip on in a snap.
Play with your wildest fantasies by acting out flirty scenarios with your lover – like having one person play as the dark, devilish virus hunting down their target to sexually infect them, while another person plays the helpless victim. This is the perfect game of cat and mouse. Be the seducer beguiling your innocent lover or be seduced yourself. If you really want to spice things up, play an unwitting doctor instead of an innocent target. It will add an extra kink factor. Once the infection spreads, there’s no telling just what it will make you do.
Speaking of roleplay, give your lover a sexy surprise by wearing a kinky maid outfit to disinfect the house. Bonus: don’t wear anything underneath. Not only does this keep the home and hearth clean as a whistle, but it invites your partner to boss you around. Obey them as your master or mistress while you keep every square inch of counter space properly sanitized and free of germs. If your boyfriend is playing housekeeper, jazz up his routine by making him play a butler instead. Both your libido and your immune system will thank you.
The average person touches their face 2,000 to 3,000 times a day, 3-5 times a minute (according to Kate Winslet in the movie “Contagion”). Even health experts have a hard time not touching their face! To combat this innocent but dangerous habit, break out the riding crop and plant a good spanking on your partner’s bum whenever you catch them in the act. If you’re more of a whip fan, then crack it where it counts. If they are especially naughty and forget to wash their hands on top of touching their face, then their perky ass may deserve a good strap over your lap. They’ll learn quickly – and might like it so much they continue misbehaving.
Note: this article is satire and not intended to offend anyone. Please stay safe and healthy!
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