I’ve Never Been In Love And That’s Okay
Love comes in many forms. As a daughter, as a granddaughter, as a niece and as a friend, I’ve experienced many different forms of love. But romance has never been my strong suit. For a long time and for my own personal reasons I ran away from relationships, and never gave myself the chance to experience that kind of love. I have had many people around me tell me I’m missing out on things, and that this kind of “unconditional” companionship is a necessity of life. But I’ve never been in love, and I’m okay with it.
Growing up, I saw many of my friends develop infatuations and crushes, my feelings, however, remained unchanged.
No man (or woman for that matter) gave me the much talked about, cinematic butterflies in the stomach. On my part, there were never any stolen glances or any blushing cheeks. And it never bothered me.
Fast forward to a few years down the line, the time when people around me moved on from schoolgirl crushes to serious relationships, I still remained, for the lack of a better word, stoic. But this time it began to bother me. The seeds of self-doubt had been planted. I began to wonder-as my friends urged me to understand the “magic” of love-why I had never experienced it. I’ve loved many people in my life, but I’ve never been in love. Was there something inexplicably wrong with me?
This thought niggled at my heart and bothered me for the longest time.
I wanted to date and experience the love that the pretty people in the movies – and some of my more romantic friends- told me I should be feeling. One of the reasons for my lack of interest in romance may be a personal one; the fact that I come from a single parent household and had no relationship laid in front of me to hold as an ideal may have influenced my decision to stay away from love.
In an attempt to “normalize” myself, I joined dating apps.
And I entered into my first relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely felt and still feel love for the man I am with. I figured my troubles could finally be laid to rest. I am with someone I love and trust. But a few months into the relationship, I quickly came to realize that the magic I was after simply did not seem to exist in this love.
I struggled with my relationship.
Things just weren’t going the way I hoped. It brought me to tears every time I thought about it and I went through one of the lowest points of my life; what many seemed to find effortlessly, I couldn’t find at all.
But then I took a step back, and I realised there was another reason I couldn’t fall in love with someone else. It was because I wasn’t even in love with myself.
To me my flaws and my failures stayed in plain sight, hiding everything good that came my way. I couldn’t get the grade that I wanted; I failed. I had a falling out with my friend; I failed. I couldn’t fall in love; I failed. My mind and heart only saw the failures, and so I was bound only to keep failing
I decided that things needed to change.
A few months I began on the journey to self-discovery and self-love. A journey full of ups and downs, good days and bad days. Each day I have begun to learn new ways to tackle any negativity in my life; whether that comes from external factors or my own thoughts. I am using this phase in my life to learn self-compassion.
Yes, I’m still in a relationship.
But now, I am learning to put myself first, to love myself to such an extent that I don’t anyone else’s love to validate me. And by learning to love myself, I am learning to handle my relationship better.
Am I head over heels in love with my partner? No. But am I learning to be head over heels in love with myself? Yes.
I have never been in love with someone, and that’s okay because I’m learning to be in love with myself.
