Imposter Syndrome: What It Feels Like And How I Learned To Live With It

“How did you manage that?” I once got asked after landing an impressively high mark in a Literature essay. I didn’t feel pride. Instead, an uneasy dread weaved itself through me. Guilt, even. “I didn’t.” I blurted. “It was just dumb luck. I had loads of help anyway so I was at an unfair advantage.” Welcome to Imposter Syndrome. 

What is it?

The term hasn’t been around for that long. It was coined by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978, describing it as a pattern of behaviour where people doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent, often internalised fear of being exposed as a fraud.

It’s when a success is simply ‘good luck’ or ‘convenient timing’. It’s a dread that quenches every positive outlook on an achievement and is replaced with anxiety of being credited for something you feel uncreditable for. 

Not only does it trample on that deserved feeling of pride, but it is also usually completely illogical. Think Maya Angelou, Albert Einstein and Emma Watson. Are they people worthy of crediting and celebrating? Absolutely! Did they believe that themselves? No. 

Those are just a few examples of people who are believed to have fallen victim to this anxiety-induced mindset. But even worse, an estimated 70% of successful people have experienced it. 

My own experience.

My favourite subjects at school were Drama and English. However, if you had told me I was any good at them, I would have thought of every reason under the sun as to why you were wrong. 

The teacher was biased; they felt sorry for me. I sought help, therefore it wasn’t my own achievement. They just selected me for a dramatic part because I had the sheer luck of looking it; no way was it done on any acting talent. 

I felt like I was hiding under a mask like a coward. It pained me to wear it because I was only lying to myself, yet I was terrified of having it ripped off and having people see me for the incompetent, underwhelming and disappointing idiot I was. 

Or at least as I felt. 

Going to a great university to study English was incredibly discomforting. When I got my acceptance e-mail offering me an unconditional offer, I was in disbelief. And that wasn’t the ‘happy-surprise’ kind of disbelief, but real, genuine doubt that I was worthy and deserving of a place. 

“That’s where they’ll find me out.” I would think. I could only see myself in a tough storm of water; clinging to a lifebelt. Only I needed to swim – I needed that independent ability to keep afloat. But I couldn’t swim. The lifebelt of a mask wouldn’t keep me secure at a place like university. And I would sink, lower, lower, right down to the ground, leaving behind every other able, strong swimming student above me. 

I achieved a high 2:1 in the end. I completed my dissertation completely unaided and received a high 2:1 in that too. Time and time again I broke down into tears, struggling to see how I’d successfully make it through each current essay. Time and time again, I achieved consistent marks.

It was like the force of my anxiety was being thrown right back into my face. And after all that, I realised it was time to accept the only truth that came out of it…

I CAN swim. 

See Also

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What can we do to ease this anxiety?

1. Accept your role in successes.

I often brushed off my achievements as worthless if I was given the slightest helping hand in making them. I felt that if it wasn’t wholly and completely my own doing, it wasn’t something I could claim credit for. However, if you break this mindset right down, you could argue that Albert Einstein is also not worthy of his credit due to the help he would have received from teachers at school, or the valuable information he read in books. 

The point is, no one achieves things completely alone – you don’t just pop into the world and automatically become a genius. You need help, guidance and resources to get it going. As long as you played a part in learning and scoring, the achievement is all yours!

2. Write down every positive thing you’ve ever done or has ever been said about you.

Often enough, we are socialised to play down our successes and talents for fear of being labelled arrogant. This can sometimes become too internalised to the point that we completely lose sight of our talents and skills; adapting a negative and self-critical internal voice instead. 

Try keeping a journal of every positive thing you have achieved: from grades to helping someone out. Write down everything pleasant that you’ve ever been told about yourself. It is far easier to remember and absorb the bad stuff, letting it distort your self-perception, which is why it’s incredibly important to ensure you retain the positive thoughts too. 

3. Call out the anxiety for what it really is.

Next time you feel like a fraud or unworthy of the achievement you deserve, acknowledge it. Accept the anxiety as ‘Imposter Syndrome’ and continue calling it that. For most people, referring to it as a recognised psychological mindset often weakens and de-values some of the truth within the critical internal voice. 

Have you ever experienced Imposter Syndrome? Have you managed to deal with it? Tell us about your own experiences and methods of addressing it down below!

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