You did it! You said to yourself, I really want to please the women I sleep with because they deserve to feel pleasure, too, and to the same degree that I do. Then you Googled how to get better in bed for guys. That’s some feminism, my friend. Equality isn’t just about finances or division of labor, it’s also about leisure, and how we treat each other interpersonally. That’s why this article with advice from real women for men will help you to close the pleasure gap!
There isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to sex tips or tricks, so letting go of the expectation that you’ll be ‘good in bed’ the first time you sleep with someone is the best way to set you up for tangible success. Every new matchup requires a bit of an adjustment, and the perception of someone being ‘good in bed’ relies more on whether or not you and your partner enjoy bringing the same energy to sex, and whether or not the habits you’ve formed work for the other person, than on certain acquired skills. This becomes more and more true as you age.
As a male feminist, this may seem obvious to you, but I think it is an overlooked step in how to get better in bed for guys. Although asking a partner if ‘this is okay’ every time you move is not advised, checking in every so often or phrasing the question in an open-ended way allows room for your partner’s voice, which is very important and sexy. Saying things like “I would really love to go down on you” is likely to have good results, but ending with “how do you feel about that” is also helpful because it implies she should answer with her own opinion. Feel it out.
A general understanding of consent is also helpful. Here are the basics: women (partners) should answer affirmatively to hooking up and should be sober and clear-headed enough to be able to consent. You can’t be good in bed if she didn’t agree to be there. That’s like forfeiting the game.
The most important thing about communication is that it can happen all the time, and not just when you’re in bed. Communicating during can help you navigate new bodies and connections, not to mention that it’s a turn on for a lot of people, especially if you work on how you phrase things. After the first time you sleep with someone you can also open up by sharing things you liked, and asking about things that your partner liked.
If there were things that felt a little off, you could say things like “it was harder for me to connect with specific thing” or “how did you like when specific thing.” She might have had those things that felt a little off, too, and that’s okay. We often have habits that worked with other partners that we need to adjust when we are with new people. This isn’t a reflection of your (or her) performance in bed, so don’t take it personally if she doesn’t like your ‘signature move’ or something else that’s worked for you before.
You can also just ask what your partner likes in bed, although sometimes she might not be sure. I find that it changes for me based on my partners (naturally), and your partner might feel the same. Still, it can only help to ask! There are some people have clear cut answers.
Before you move to doing sexual things with a person, you should also be sure to communicate about STI’s or other things a partner should know that might affect them. If a person doesn’t know about an STI, then they aren’t fully able to consent. Does that make sense? It goes without saying that you both should be regularly testing and using protection as well to ensure both of your safety.
Improving your attitude in bed changes the whole experience for both parties. Sex is weird and fun and silly, and sometimes serious, but it doesn’t have to be. Approaching this adult fun time with a sense of play and even exploration can be extremely sexy, but also less nerve-wracking for both of you. After all, you’re meant to enjoy yourself, and enjoyment comes in so many different forms besides genital-to-genital contact. Don’t be afraid to relax and experiment a little. Your body is a wonderland? A great approach.
Being a tease encompasses many things. First, flirting with someone throughout the night. Building up a repartee with someone before you get naked creates a greater opportunity for sexual repartee. Exchanging good conversation can definitely help some people, but dancing, eye contact, gestures, physical contact, and compliments are also great ways of establishing a flirtatious connection and building sexual tension.
Second, remember that timing is everything. There is no rush to do anything, even though you’re excited. Take your time. Take your time kissing, take your time touching, take your time with everything. Understand that focusing all your energy on making your partner or yourself orgasm will not usually be perceived as you being good in bed. Instead, teasing your partner sexually (not doing the same thing over and over, not focusing on only the sensitive spots), should yield the excellent results you seek. This also means not jumping straight to penetration: warm your partner up first.
Think of sex as savoring a fine wine or fancy cheese, rather than scarfing down a burger or a bag of potato chips. Your partner? A delicacy. Savor her.
Remember what I said about your partner being a delicacy? A little bit of enthusiasm goes a long way. It’s exciting that you get to get naked with a new person! Bring that excitement to the bedroom, and let your partner feel that. It’s an honor, a privilege, a joy, an accomplishment, and a delicacy to hook up with someone. Savor that experience by showing that you want to be there.
You can bring this attitude to your hands and to your mouth when touching or tasting your partner. She doesn’t want to feel that you’re grossed out. She doesn’t want to feel like you’re doing work. She wants to feel like you enjoy touching and tasting her, so show her you do. Lick her like she’s the tastiest dessert you’ve ever had.
This might work for some, and this might work at specific times, but repeatedly doing something (thrusting) doesn’t work for any of the women I’ve personally talked to, and sex comes up a lot. This goes for hands, tongues, dicks, toys. Everything. Unless she says to thrust continuously, try variety in speed, depth, and motions. You can think of it like music. Listen to her reactions to help guide you, or if you’re really confused, ask!
This applies to physical pleasure, but knowing what attitudes, energies, and approaches work for you sexually is also important. For instance, maybe you prefer partners who are extremely tender and sweet rather than someone into domination. Maybe you prefer being the center of attention, or maybe you want a good repartee. It’s important to know these things going in, and also to compare based on what your partner is into. You can determine this by noticing, or, you can always ask. Either way, the likelihood of you both thinking the other is ‘good in bed’ significantly increases if your preferred attitude, energy, and approach matches.
If you’re new to the arena, don’t worry about being ‘good’ the first time. Explore a little, and figure out what you like. Both you and your partner might discover some wonderful new things about your bodies that way. That’s much better than thrusting three times and wondering why she hated it.
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