How To Do The Bare Minimum At Work And Not Get Fired

For all my 9 to 5’er’s out there, the primary rule to work by, a mantra if you may, is to always maximize the minimum. This is the elevated idea of work smarter, not harder. Whether admirable or not, doing the bare minimum is how I’ve navigated through my twenty-two years of life thus far, and, not too toot my own horn, but we ain’t doing too bad out here. So, here are my five steps on how to work less yet still see success.

1. The Five-Minute Clock-In Window

I must preface and advise to use this idea wisely depending on your job, or more specifically, your boss. In my personal experience, I’m late to everything, which I’m not necessarily proud of considering majority of the time I’m the one stressing and swerving through traffic. However, I always ensure that I am no later than five minutes, sometimes ten on a bad day, and if you work in a fast-paced environment like myself, no one will honestly notice nor care as long you’re there. However, out of the five-day work week, try to actually be on time at least two out of the five days, since in some horrific worlds, on time is actually late. Sounds like a living nightmare.

2. Attempt To Complete One Thing A Day

Doing the bare minimum at work really boils down to maintenance. As long as you maintain decency, you’ll continue to be a decent employee, and you can’t technically be fired for being decent. To ensure you’re maximizing the minimum, get one thing done day, whether it be refilling staples in your paperweight of a stapler or sitting back for fifty minutes while your computer updates, you’re checking some kind of box. If you follow this rule, it goes without saying to always have some b.s. to pull out when your boss asks you what you’ve done today.

3. Make Sure Your Boss Sees You Working

If you’re not working for yourself, you’re working for someone else. So, they should be your biggest fan and not your biggest hater, which means you have got to put on a show for them from 9-5. Nothing is worse than getting caught with your feet up on your desk browsing through posts of people having more fun than you. Therefore, it’s important to know your boss’s routine as much as possible. This may seem extreme, and to a certain degree it is, but to the same degree it’s necessary for cubicle survival. Learning and observing your boss is especially important if you’re a new hire; kiss ass so you don’t have to kiss your paycheck goodbye. Take note of their bathroom breaks so when they pass by your desk you’re not caught slumped in your rolling chair. But, god forbid, if they do catch you caring more about your mental health rather than the stack of papers in front of you, know their coffee order so they can sip your apology the next morning.

4. Use And Abuse Your Bathroom Breaks

You know what they say: if your boss makes a dollar and you make a dime, you poop on company time. If it seems to be like you are always under his watchful eye, you will soon realize that the bathroom serves as your safe heaven on the clock. So go as much as you can, but space them out wisely and do not spend so much time hiding where people start questioning where you are. You never want the boss or the office’s snitch to be alerted of your whereabouts. They can sniff out your b.s. figuratively and literally. So my rule of thumb, is it to take more frequent bathroom breaks, which means making the breaks short and sweet. And remember to always have your phone charged, because you’ll end up dead if your phone is dead. It’s common sense and not dramatic whatsoever. However, if there is an emergency, I have created a fun bathroom game that can serve as your entertainment when without a phone. It’s the famous “Guess Whose Coworkers’ Shoes Those Are”. It’s fairly simple, because you don’t go to the bathroom to use your brain, only your butt, so get your head out of your ass and look at those cankles! You quickly become familiar with your fellow office slackers, who are doing the same thing you’re doing. Wasting company time while producing your own waste. It can get weird when you actually have to poop, and there’s a standoff on who is going to leave the stall first. But if we’ve learned anything, we have learned to never quit when we bullshit. Or in this case, just trying to shit.

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5. Always Cry On The Clock

This step and the last step kind of go hand in hand. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I have not experienced the low of crying in a bathroom stall due to stress, exhaustion, and seemingly constant criticism from the man upstairs until I started my current job. It’s only happened twice, and I know it won’t be the last, but I like to imagine the one ply toilet paper I’m using to wipe my tears as all the money I’m making for my decline in mental health. But to be a boss ass bitch, while sadly not actually being the boss, is knowing you’re still getting paid during your emotional breakdown. So cry for as long as you need and make sure your eyes are dry to greet the customers, who are “always right!”

And that is it my little worker bees! You’re fully prepared to keep the Queen Bee happy during 9 to 5 in the hive. In all seriousness, your job, and your life, is what you make it out to be, so try to make it the best. But I don’t have to tell you that; you already get told what to do enough. Stay buzzin’ so you can get buzzed after work. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.