If you’re searching for the perfect confidant in your life, you need to make sure they are able to hear you out in the best way that supports you. Knowing the traits of someone you can trust to express yourself with is important whether you’re looking at friends, family members, or prospective partners for a relationship.
Here are some good qualities to look for in a good listener.
Eye Contact
A good listener always keeps eye contact with you. Even if you look away in thought, they are still making you feel seen in the way they observe you. You’ll find that those who look way are either distracted, lost in thought, or disinterested. They’re looking for a way out of the conversation, and that’s not someone you want to confide in.
Make eye contact with someone during a conversation is intimate, but it gives you the impression that you are truly being heard. This person is giving all their attention to you and taking in all of your frustrations and fears. Most importantly, someone who makes eye contact is an honest person, which means they can be trusted.
Facial Cues
In addition to eye contact, a good listener responds with facial cues while you’re speaking. You can spot a blank stare from a mile away. Facial cues show a response to what you’re saying so that you know they are following along with how you are feeling.
If you’re sharing good news or something that gave you joy that day, you expect the person you’re speaking with to smile as a response. If you’re sharing something that surprised you, you’d expect a good listener to raise their eyebrows in shock. Even a nod or a shaking of the head shows that they are matching their physical responses with the tone of the conversation, something reassuring for you as you open up with them.
However, keep an eye out for negative facial cues as well. Eye rolls, scowls, frowns, and glaring are all turn-offs for someone who is looking for a good listener.
Follow-Up Questions
A good listener will always, always ask follow-up questions. You definitely don’t want someone talking over you when you are speaking, but you do want someone to express interest in what you are saying.
Someone asking follow-up questions doesn’t mean they aren’t following along, so don’t mistake their inquisitive nature to be one of disinterest. These questions are to ensure that they understand everything you are saying and may even help you answer questions you have for yourself regarding the topic. Perhaps there are things you haven’t even considered with what they’re asking.
Additionally, someone who asks follow-up questions is showing you that they are actually invested in what you’re saying and would like to know more than what you’ve said on the surface. A good listener will dig deep in the conversation to get the speaker to open up more for clarity and understanding.
Minimum Input
Asking questions and giving input are two different things. A good listener doesn’t give input unless asked for some. If you find that you are speaking to someone who feels the need to give their opinion on everything you are saying, they are not someone you should be confiding in.
Make no mistake, if you are open to input or commentary by your listener, then this is perfectly acceptable behavior. But, even then, a good listener knows that when giving their input, not to let it dominate the entire conversation. The conversation should function as a dance. The speaker takes the lead and the listener follows. Then, it can switch. It’s important that this is communicated firsthand.
On the other hand, while the speaker is doing almost all of the expressing, you also don’t want the conversation to become too one-sided. Check-in with your confidant to be sure that they’re still with you. A good listener will be honest with you where they are in listening.
Keeping The Focus On You
A good listener will keep the focus on you. The dance simile I used earlier is a good illustration for giving and getting input, but when it comes to focusing, a good listener should be selfless. They are sacrificing time and space to give you the freedom to express yourself. The attention is on you.
I’ve had bad listeners in the past who will suddenly switch the conversation to become about something they’re experiencing. While some might see this as a way of relating to someone, it can come off as being disinterested in what the speaker is saying and that their issues aren’t as significant as yours are. Getting the room you need to feel like your feelings matter is essential to be understood.
A Feeling Of Safety
Finally, a good listener provides a safety net for you. Prior to starting the conversation, a good listener will give you the impression that they will not judge you, and what you say will not be used against you. They are giving you a space to express yourself without fear of it getting out to others. It’s a bond of trust that’s been forged ahead of time.
A good listener will promote a feeling of safety by constant reassurance through positive affirmations and a neutral disposition. If they make it clear to you that your well-being is important to them, then you know they care enough to hear you out.
In addition, the person you choose to open up to should be someone you know is willing and able to have a healthy mindset of listening. Meaning that if someone in your life has a lot going on in their own life, to the point where there is no indication that they can make room enough for what you have to say and express, it’s better to find someone else who is of a healthier mindset to be there for you.
Did these qualities help you find a good listener in your life? Let me know in the comments!
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