Finding Fall gifts is excruciatingly difficult. There’s no reason anyone should ever have to get another person a gift—or be expected to do so—ever! With that being said, everybody is mumpsimus and loves this whole gift-giving process. Most people like to receive gifts, get letters in the mail, or be acknowledged by a passing dog. The best gift to give is macaroni art. It shows you spitefully care about the process but don’t want to be a frugal fuddyduddy.
Firstly, scarfs are awesome. They protect your neck from the dangerous villain known as Old Man Winter: he sends out his warrior Jack Frost to wage battle against your neck. Other scarfs are a fashion statement. There is an art to tying a scarf in the same way that there is an art to tying a tie.
Scarfs are great gifts because you don’t need measurements. They’re a safe bet, like candles or a gift card for Amazon. While scarfs are practical, the best way to protect yourself against Jack Frost is to slay him. The best way to slay him is to rip out his cold heart. You can then hawk his heart for a scarf.
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Hats are generally a good way to go. She might have a lot of hats, shoes, and jewelry that she already doesn’t wear very often. That shouldn’t stop you from getting her the gift that may never give back, a hat. Some hats say “one size fits all.” That’s a lie. Some hats don’t fit and it should be a crime to put that sacred phrase on a hat that fits only 96% of the people who try it on.
Nobody wants a bad gift and everybody wants a memorable gift that stands out in their mind: a cool hat. If she doesn’t like hats or you’re bad at shopping, then get a practical hat, like a sunhat or a wool beanie. There’s nothing wrong with buying a bad gift because it’s the thought that counts. If the thought doesn’t count, get a new girlfriend. Or…make macaroni art.
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Candles are one of the safest gifts that you can possibly get. There are so many scents to choose from. The last thing you want, though, is a noisome (loud) candle. Like loud cannabis, these can give people an instant migraine. These come in all kinds of Fall scents. Nice spices, amazing fruits, mellow flowers, vanilla, and pumpkin.
There has never been a more Autumn gift than a candle. Not unless you’ve glued leaves to a collage and added sequins that are also shaped like leaves, rubbed cinnamon on it and called it a day. The safest candles for Autumn gift-giving are ones you’ve personally smelt before you’ve dealt it.
Or…you could make macaroni art…with cinnamon rubbed onto it.
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Even if your girlfriend doesn’t like beer, she might very well enjoy a glass of wine every now and then. And, as everyone knows, girlfriends who drink beer are cool. Girlfriends who drink wine coolers are squares. And, anyone who drinks from a square doesn’t understand how alcohol works.
But, one may ask, what if my girlfriend drinks hardcore, unfiltered moonshine? In the Appalachian Mountains, there are many such bootleg distilleries that you could pilfer from. That’s not safe though #methanol.
Rosé wine is something that’s in right now. Hard seltzers are also commonly imbibed by women. You can also personally mix cocktails for both of you that don’t have macaroni in them.
A great idea for finding her favorite wine would be a wine store: don’t be afraid to ask the cashier questions. There might even be a sommelier there to assist you.
Earrings are something that most girls like. Some people absolutely love earrings and have 50 piercings—in the event that that’s the case, you are the luckiest Fall shopper ever.
Unless their ears aren’t pierced. In that case, get them clip-on earrings. Nice clip-on earrings do exist. So don’t think that they’re not an option.
All in all, when it comes to jewelry, there are often two types of people: silver or gold. Also, some people can’t wear cheap earrings, so be mindful of argent-looking earrings that aren’t sterling silver.
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Books are like currency to bookworms. If your girlfriend is a huge book person, good for you: you probably have an intelligent girlfriend. There’s nothing like passing the time with a book that’s “better than the movie.” If you get her some pop-fiction, you could always buy the DVD for some accompaniment.
The best books are the ones that you enjoy reading. If she likes romance novels, get one. If she likes Eldritch horror and Ligotti-like fiction, get that. If she’s a nerd, get her a sci-fi or fantasy novel.
You can hide money and a love note in the center of it to test each other’s love.
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This might be a very good idea if your girlfriend really wants to continue watching the end of her favorite TV show. There are many providers, much like cable. There’s Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, etc. You can even buy devices for your television to wirelessly stream your great taste in movies and TV shows.
Then there’s a cool option you maybe haven’t considered: jailbreaking a device for free streaming from the sketchy parts of the internet. Your friends have told you all about it. Peer pressure has set in and you want to get a good gift for her, but you can’t fork out the monthly/yearly payments that it would take to keep her happy.
You wouldn’t steal someone’s purse or car, so why hurt innocent lives with stealing virtual films and TV shows?
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