10 Foods That Are Bad For You, But Who Wants To Live To 60 Anyway?

In the event of an apocalypse, foods that are bad for you will preserve your life. Without the threat of zombies, bad foods are like sharpened candy canes, shanking away at everyone’s lifespan. You’re thinking to yourself, that fella makes a lot of sense by pointing out the mouthwatering taste of a beeline to the cemetery.

1. Pizza

Pizza is a patchwork of different foods—sewn together like someone trying to play god—inventing a wretched beast that tastes like the feeling you get when a dog declares you their friend. There’s no lifetime cap on pizza. You don’t just hit your ten-thousandth slice and instantly keel over. Pizza should be a scheduled drug.

2. Microwave Popcorn

A lot of carcinogens taste like magical Celtic-pixie farts. You’ll ingest lots of nonbiodegradable toxins from popcorn bags. That’s ok! A part of you gets to live on, forever.

Popcorn lung is what workers at the factories get from breathing in airborne diacetyl (butter-like flavoring). They’re kind of like the radium girls but less lit.

3. Imitation Cheese

If you want to be the life of the party—who shortens everyone else’s—then the processed stuff is where it’s at. America is made out of two things: cheese and secular, Russian-doll-like governments. Imitation America could be used as embalming fluid for all future presidents.

4. Deep-Fried Fair Food

There’s nothing like deep-fried Oreos. The people frying sticks of butter are making the rest of us look bad, but they know where their priorities are at. Does that vendor not have your favorite candy bar to deep fry? Ask the vendor if you can bring them your favorite candy bar. Have them deep fry it at a reduced price.

5. Dining Desserts

You’re looking for a palate cleanser after that delicious full-course meal you had. What better way to forget what you just ate than by eating something better. A meal chaser, if you will. From unpleasantly life-nourishing to sickly sweet, dining desserts are akin to antifreeze.

6. Bacon

Eating a piece of bacon is like getting an organ massage with heaven-fat. John Stuart Mill writes that it’s “better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied.” Why not kill two birds with one glorious spatula? Bacon grease is the glue that binds America.

7. Potato Chips

The amount of air in each bag could fill a scuba tank. The salt levels seem to be the main concern. Acrylamide is a carcinogen, derived from roasting things like coffee and potatoes. It’s present but you can rest easy knowing that it’s not DDT.

8. Ramen (Instant)

{Instant noodles with inordinate levels of salt}=heaven

Ramen is not the cheapest meal, but it is the cheapest feeling meal. There’s no better way to trick yourself into thinking that you’re saving money than by eating like you don’t have any.

It has the savory flavoring of MSG, an acronym that scares the general population. What it means is that you lack the insight needed to appreciate good food.

9. Hot Pockets

Everyone who matters has burnt their mouth on a hot pocket. There’s no reason for us to believe that Queen Elizabeth has come within 50 feet of a hot pocket. You can get a bunch of varieties, including BBQ chicken.

10. Burgers & Fries

Three men walk into a bar that sells burgers, fries, and soda pop. They become lifelong friends because fried food brings people together. Maybe eating a ton of red meat and fried food is not a good decision. Or maybe, if you took every burger you’d ever eaten, put it together, and cast a spell over it—you’d have a hamburger golem, capable of fighting on your behalf. Only time will reveal which of these is true.