Love Limbo: The in-between stage of infatuation fueled by the overhanging questions of do they love me? Do they love me not? Now, love limbo is not to be confused with the well-known label, situationship, where you’re “with” someone else, but not really, because we’re millennials, who are afraid of commitment, because everything in this life is temporary and destined for destruction. Dramatic, I know, but to a certain degree it’s a very valid fear most have felt. Nevertheless, love limbo differs from a situationship, because in the in-between that is love limbo there has been no direct communication of feelings and intentions, where as in a situationship, there has been at least some advances whether physically and/or emotionally. Nevertheless, both are terribly painful and confusing places to be, which is why I am here to coach you through this tug-of-war between the reality of what is and the fantasy of what if.
Often times when you ask someone, who either has loved in the past or is in love currently, how did you know you loved them? Or, how did you know they loved you back? Or the more general, yet more difficult question, what is love? You’re often given the cliché “well, you just know,” followed by a soft smile and blushing cheeks, which starkly contrasts your exasperated sigh and inevitable eye roll. Despite how frustrating that answer is, it’s undeniably true. When you finally find that healthy, mature partner, you just know, because it’s that easy. It’s easy to be with that person, because you’re finally not riddled with anxiety and insecurity of does this person feel the same way? Am I just wasting my time? And if you keep facing those questions over and over again, then the answer is yes, you are indeed wasting your time, and now it’s time to stop. Stop giving yourself this false hope with every little tiny amount of affection or attention shown towards you. Stop over analyzing and creating this fantasy of what could be when it’s so far-fetched from your reality, the what is. It is not fair to you nor the other person. They didn’t sign up to be the main character of your own romantic comedy, so stop expecting them to play that role. It’s exhausting for them and more importantly for you. You have all these questions when the answer is in the lack of answers. Silence really does mean no, so stop turning that into a potential yes.
Although the thought alone of finally admitting your feelings is terrifying, you have to realize it’s necessary. You are only holding yourself back in this case and allowing yourself to be trapped in this torturous cycle, when the other person may be completely clueless. In order to actually make this huge leap is by realizing they are not the person for you. You don’t want to be with them, and you deserve someone who actually feels the same way about you. When you’re finally not afraid of rejection and more excited for the liberation of truth, you’re ready. Make sure to do it in a place where you feel comfortable and ideally alone, because if things do go south (which they probably won’t but always prepare for the worst) you can easily make your exit. Despite your understandable nerves, you should try to make it as casual as possible, because this could be a huge shock to them if they’re dumb and have never picked up on your signs that have been thrown their way. Be mature and confident in your confession and please don’t expect the plot twist of reciprocated feelings. Again, you are only setting yourself up for heartbreak, which you’ve already experienced repeatedly at your own fault. However, in the slim chance that they have felt this way the whole time and just did not know how to tell you, do not immediately jump in their arms thinking you’re on top of the world. Think of yourself and only yourself. Remember that you deserve a love that is screamed from the rooftops and be weary that they may just be all talk and no walk. They could be afraid to lose you as their friend so they’re simply telling you what the old you would want to hear. But it’s too late, you’ve changed and you deserve better. Walk out with your head held high and a relieved, liberated heart. You aren’t trapped anymore. You don’t have to feel second place ever again. You’ve finally won the heart of your true love: yourself.
You’ve just made this monumental step! You’re feeling on top of the world and ready to take on whatever this messed up universe throws your way…then they hit you up. Whether it be the next day or the next week, the golden curse of you always want what you can’t have strikes again. Now that you’re not at their every beck and call, it’s like they have devolved to their five year old self whose mommy or daddy left for the weekend. If ya’ll were really close, it is like losing what you could have had and a friend at the same time. They might feel lost and slightly confused, but you have to remember that what someone else feels has nothing to do with you. Remind yourself how you’ve been trapped in their world for so long that you’ve lost touch of your own. So when they do inevitably text you, be direct with your response. Tell them how you need some space for a while, and if you must, throw the “it’s not you, it’s me” line at them. If they have any respect for you, they will respect your wishes and hopefully back off. Just in case you’re thinking that you are mature enough to remain as close without any weird feelings, you’re probably wrong. Hear me out, when someone gets out of a relationship their rebound is never their ex. That completely defeats the purpose of a rebound, because you’re still playing with the same player. Therefore, although ya’ll weren’t in an actual relationship, your feelings towards them were real, so you have to treat this like a breakup from a real romantic relationship. If you try to continue business as usual, your usual feelings will resurface, and the cycle restarts. So, again, be selfish in your thoughts and actions when it comes to them, and take as much time as you need. Your world revolves around you now, so act like it.
We do, however, have to be realistic with this new world of yours and recognize that it’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows. The newness of your confession will wear off, and it’s understandable to miss them. But you have to refrain from reflecting on the past with rose colored glasses; your old world was not all sunshine and rainbows either. Although there were good moments that you are allowed to smile at, there were a lot of bad moments that you’re allowed to cry at too. Don’t not feel, because you feel like you shouldn’t, but you should feel so you can heal and not continue to hurt. Similarly to love, people can get addicted to sadness, which is obviously only destructive. Think of this sadness and grief as part of your rebuilding process. It’s not supposed to be easy. Nothing in life is, as we all know, but be easy on yourself the first few weeks. People always say if you fall off the horse, jump back on, but I always lean more towards standing back and thinking “do I honestly even want to get back on, or will I just get hurt again?” To a certain degree, all pain is worthwhile since every hardship turns into a lesson, but at some point, we have to graduate and move on to the next phase of learning. Only you can allow yourself to feel, learn, heal, and graduate. Don’t get distracted by the class clown, again.
Before you embark on your new solo adventure, it’s necessary to envision the best version of yourself and make steps on achieving that vision. It’s important to fully realize that you are changing for yourself now and not to fit into someone else’s version of you. If you want to lose weight, now you can do it to make yourself happy and not so you can be hotter for someone else. If you want to read, you can read now without getting distracted by thoughts of someone not worthy of another thought. If you want to finally go after that job that you always put off, because it didn’t fit their future plans, you can finally be the boss ass bitch you were always meant to be. This is an exciting time of reinvention and rediscovery. You can do whatever, wherever, whenever, and with whomever with no second thought. And if you run into that certain person during this time, don’t run away, but, instead, you should show them just how happy and content you are now. This doesn’t mean grab the closest hottie to you and start furiously making out, but rather be so unbothered and carefree that it will probably bother them just a bit. And it’ll probs make you feel good, but only just a bit.
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