Dynamite Shoes To Get This Fall

No one normally knows what shoes to get. You go to the shoe store, and depending on how many stores you’re willing to go to, the hunt might end there. There’s the online option, where you have things mailed to you, to try on. Not all clothing can be returned to cyberspace for free. Fall shoes aren’t like getting all-seasonals for your car. Some shoes have one specific purpose: to look good, to feel good, or practicality. When it starts snowing, you’ll be happy you have all of the above.

Reliable Sports Shoes

You go through the door with these shoes on and everyone looks at you. Then, they look at your feet. No one can possibly take their eyes off of them. The people in the room scream with the horror that their eye volition is not free and only dictated by the shoes.

The shoes exclaim that they themselves are the one true heir to the throne of the world. You look around for a mouth on the shoes but find none. This cannot possibly be the drugs you took, you know that for sure.

After a few seconds—you realize that you aren’t at a party—you’re running down the middle of a busy highway with nothing but shoes on. And you bet your heinie that these shoes can withstand the asphalt. There are police sirens in the distance. You bolt into the woods.

You can hear a helicopter. Thank goodness these are such good shoes.

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Plain Toe Derby

The youthful and dapper Dorian Gray appears. He is the host of the evening. This is the only hipster mansion within one megameter (1,000 kilometers)(621.371 miles). Gray has always been viewed as a stallion by his entourage, and as such, his height has always been given in the measuring unit “hands.” Gray is seventeen-point-five hands high.

Many members of the party are well-to-dos and who’s whos from as far out as Timbuktu.

Gray begins rapping. He and his acolytes begin setting up for their fortnightly “rap battle.” Gray, the ever-charismatic chap that he is, emcees every evening with the aid of bath salts. No one dared to question the amount of pure style that reverberated from his head to his…toes.

These shoes will go great with anything that requires flair (including but not limited to) hipster-mansion, fortnightly rap battles.

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Hip High Tops

You’re on a tiny island in the pacific. A pair of shoes wash up onshore in perfect condition. You’re unsurprised by this. Many shoes have been washing up lately. Some even still have feet in them.

You have been marooned on this island for nearly a year. Everyone thinks you are dead and some are even glad. You never had a will or an estate, so most of society probably never knew you existed in the first place.

This pair of shoes looks unscathed. Pristine. You put those shoes on and for a few moments, you forget why you were marooned in the first place. They’re comfy. They fit perfectly. You notice a note written on the side of the shoes: “To Whom It May Concern.”

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Wool Running Shoes

These are the shoes that you want to get to keep your feet warm, even when it’s raining. That makes them perfect for Fall. It also makes them perfect for the marathon you’re running. It’s not out of choice though, as the United States has succeeded into many countries.

In order to win the hearts of millions, you’ve set out on a path of running for a cause: unite the separated states. The Soviet Empire has begun to re-emerge, stronger than ever. China has formed an alliance with the Soviets. Their consigliere? The deceased DPRK-dynasty ruler, Kim-Il sung.

The original American government has been dissolved. As you run, you imagine what it would be like to be whole again…as a country. Europe no longer exists, having been absorbed by the Soviets.

But your running in these awesome shoes has somehow brought an armistice among the warring nations. Maybe one day, peace can be achieved. Only time and these comfy shoes will tell.

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A Good Talking Point

Your supposedly deceased grandmother has mailed you a pair of shoes. You worry about opening them, thinking this is a trick. You also worry about what crime your grandmother committed that made her have to fake her own death to get out of it.

You open up the package. Just shoes. Without the original box. You put your feet in them. They fit perfectly. These shoes transcend time and space. You put them on and a portal appears. You walk through the portal.

You stumble upon a world entirely made from shoes. Everything is a shoe. Every sentient being is also a shoe. Somehow, your shoes are still the best.

As you keep walking you see the Statue of Liberty buried halfway under the sand. You fall to your knees and exclaim “you maniacs, you blew it all up!”

But, these shoes comfort you like a hug on a windy day.

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Skateboard Friendly

You’ve been skating across America in the hopes of raising awareness for the new mammoth flu that has decimated the world’s population. The movement for mammoth revival has come to a screeching halt—out of the general public’s fear, they’ve slain all the mammoths again. But they keep coming back.

You are partly skating to avoid the wave of contagious pathogens that have turned cities into ghost towns. The amount of comfort you feel in your new shoes—while surfing the asphalt—is unparalleled by every other shoe. The only equal that these shoes have are the other foot.

You slow down, seeing an obstruction about 50 yards in front of you. It’s a body. Most likely a result of the chaos caused by the mammoth flu. These roads are nearly lawless and wild mammoths litter the hellscape. You’re packing heat with a reliable piece, carefully sitting in its holster.

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