Couples and singles alike go through dry spells all the time, and there is nothing weird or worrying about it! Our body reacts in all sorts of ways to our environments, experiences, and moods, and our interest in and physical desire for sex will naturally fluctuate as a result. Wanting sex all the time does not make you normal or abnormal, and neither does not wanting sex all the time!
That being said, let’s look at a few common reasons why you might be having a dry spell, and talk about how to beat them! If you’re in a relationship, always communicate with your partner about what is going on for you. Sex can be a sensitive subject, but you deserve to be supported.
A really common reason why our desire and arousal seems to disappear into thin air is because we are under a lot of stress. Even if you don’t feel stressed, a new routine could throw you off just enough, or a new diet, job, etc. It doesn’t have to be a bad kind of stress for your body to need some recalibration time.
Think about what might be causing you stress. If you have a partner, talk to them about how you’re feeling about the stress, and about the dry spell. Let them know that it isn’t them, and that your body is just adjusting to and/or processing some new things. It might take some time for you to feel ‘normal’ and sexual again, but that’s perfectly okay. If you’re single, be patient with yourself.
Either way, try focusing on stress relief like exercise, socializing with friends, resting, or any other from of self care. Sex can be a great way to relieve stress, but there are so many others, and worrying about your arousal will only stress you out more.
From smoking to chronic illness, medications to fatigue, what you put into your body and how your body works will help to determine your sex drive. Although these are all separate issues, the umbrella of keeping in good health is important to all of them. Recognizing a pattern between what you put into your body and how your body and mind react is key. Ultimately, tracking these patterns can help you beat your dry spells, and keep you feeling your best all the time.
In terms of smoking and medications, you have to weigh the benefit you get from the drug with the loss of your sex drive, or other drawbacks you may be noticing. Different medications affect people in different ways, so even if you and a partner or loved one are ingesting similar things, it might affect your sex drive more than theirs. Let your partner know if you think this is happening. Your doctor would also be a great source of knowledge on this issue! Never stop taking a medication without medical counseling from your doctor.
You doctor is also the best person to consult for issues concerning chronic health problems. Even if your medical doctor isn’t helpful, they might recommend that you start seeing a therapist to talk about how your chronic health concerns get in the way of you living out your desired sex life. This can be a really challenging issue, and I encourage you to talk to a professional about what you’re experiencing. You might not feel ready to talk with a partner about this at first, but seeking the help of a therapist will help you reach out to the ones you love.
If fatigue seems to be the problem, consider why you might be fatigued. If you’re tired from lack of sleep, don’t worry too much about it. Just try resting up with some sleepy tea or a bedtime supplement. Also consider how stress- emotional, physical, or otherwise- might be affecting your rest.
Dry spells often happen with partners when we’re mad at them, upset with them, or even feeling resentment towards them. Breaking trust is another big reason for dry spells. It can take a while to feel interested in sex again after a fight, after trust was broken, and before we forgive. Even if we’re single or our partners didn’t do anything wrong, a tumultuous relationship in any aspect of our lives can cause emotional stress that alters our interest in pleasure- sexual or otherwise. Our connections with everyone around us have a direct affect on how we feel before, after, and during sex with a partner: intimacy of any kind is central to our understanding of connection.
If you believe that a a relationship outside your intimate and sexual moments is causing emotional stress, let your partner know that it isn’t them. In a relationship, you should also let your partner know if they have done something that led you to feel upset, but it might take a little bit of time to tell them and to heal. Be patient, and try to talk it out with them.
If the issue is significant and really damaged your feelings about being in the relationship, it’s a sign that it might be time for you to move on. You deserve to feel good about your relationship.
Plain and simple: you might be having a dry spell because you simply don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. It could be them, it could be that you just want to be single. There are many reasons to not want to be in a relationship, but no longer wanting to be sexual with a partner (if you want to be sexual and have previously been sexually attracted to this person) can be a sign that it’s time to split.
How we feel about ourselves will always affect how we feel when we become intimate in a sexual way with someone. Removing clothes and allowing another into your personal space is a big deal, and if you aren’t feeling great about your boobs, your skin, your brain, your job, your weight, your sexiness, your whatever, then you won’t be as interested in sex.
Getting naked is literally removing barriers, but you can’t remove barriers that are inside just like that. Take some time to build yourself up. Think about why you might be feeling this way: the media? A job you hate? Societal approval? Then, think about how you can feel more confident: watching Megan Thee Stallion videos? Changing jobs? Changing your perspective? Slowly giving less of a fuck? Self love is a journey that never ends, but it’s worthwhile. You deserve to love you. A dry spell of self love deserves way more time and energy than a sex dry spell ever will!
There are many reasons why someone might be depressed. As you might know, feeling depressed often means your are less interested in things you used to be interested in. This includes sex! I cannot give you advice on your depression because I am not a professional, but I highly recommend you consider talking to one. It can help, and you deserve to get the help you need.
That being said, be patient with yourself, be compassionate towards yourself, and be supportive of yourself. Depression happens, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m really sorry if trauma is the reason for your dry spell. You are worthy of safety, you are worthy of giving consent, and you are worthy of real love. Whether or not your trauma was sexual in nature or not, recognize that trauma will ripple through every aspect of your life because it can be extremely hard to process.
Trauma will take time to heal, so do not rush or push yourself before you are ready. Take all the time you need. Seeking help from a therapist can be so incredibly useful for times such as these. It might be hard to talk about your trauma at all at first, and that’s okay. Just know that you should be able to talk about it if you need to, and that discussing your trauma with a therapist can be an emotionally safe way to do so. Sometimes, friends and family members feel too close to home, so starting with someone whose job it is to help can feel like a true release.
Hey, and that’s okay. There is an abundance of sex and desire and sexuality in the media and in our culture, but that doesn’t mean that you have to like sex, feel desire, or feel connected to sexuality in a traditional way. Whether you’re asexual, feeling asexual, or just not interested in sex right now, there is nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to want sex to be normal. You don’t have to want sex to be worthy. Whatever you want and feel is important to you is the priority! Embrace this version of you.
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