Cat toys are humanity’s gift to cats. Cats are fun to watch, while they’re being weird, but they are also useful and deserve toys because they’ve kept one of our nemeses at bay. The rodent. Ah yes, the fabled mischief-makers that carry diseases. Cats and humans are both united by our collective hatred of these scourge of the earth, next to parasites. Cats are superior to their canine counterparts. They aren’t nearly as inbred. Cats’ biggest enemies are dogs, cucumbers, vacuums, and cat hair.
Catnip is a recreational drug used by cats. Catnip toys are an amazing asset to have at your disposal. You’re basically your cat’s dealer. If your cat eats it, they go sleep-sleep. If they sniff it, they go run-run.
You’ve become suspicious of your cat Bohr being awake all hours of the night, working tirelessly in the basement. He has begun to manufacture and distribute catnip to the cats in the area. He has even put his signature into it, generating blue catnip. Many of his foreign adversaries have vied for his turf, but he is ruthless.
Bohr has begun to eliminate his competition through insidious means. You’re not even sure if Bohr is his real name or a street moniker. You noticed a cat toy that is oddly similar to a projectile weapon. You confront Bohr about this but he says that he only uses it for self-defense. You’re highly suspicious of this.
Your sister-in-law comes running through the door and confronts Bohr about him killing her husband. You ask your cat Bohr if it’s true. He tells you not to ask him about his business.
He looks at you, “alright, this one time, I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.”
You ask, “is it true?”
Your cat Bohr looks at you like it’s 1972, and says “no.”
Cool Cat Toy
Your cat used to be a lot happier. You can tell that he’s down, having lost a few friends in a mining accident. He’s talking about becoming a lumberjack or oilrig worker. These professions also have a high mortality rate, but he’s seen too much in his life to go back to a feline desk job.
You plead for him to come out and play. He begins to shut himself in. He won’t come out for anything. You finally discover a toy that may bring that spark back, from the days before he was changed.
A few of the cats in the area have gathered, to cheer him up. A cat gets out some blue-hued catnip. You think, it’s better if they do it here than “out there.”
He’s been so troubled lately that he’s forgotten that it’ll be his birthday soon. You’re not sure if he’s capable of making it that far. So, you get his birthday gift out of the closet, in the hopes that he’ll stay.
Cool Cat Toy
Your cat likes to go fishing in the mornings. The fog collects on the pond. He gets out his tackle box. After fastening the bait to the line, he lets it plop in. He calmly sits there, thinking about his days overseas, with the tigers, lions, and that one liger.
Cool Cat Toy
You’re a cat named Mitzy. You used to play with twist-ties with the neighbor’s cat. They don’t allow you two to play together anymore due to the current political climate (that may or may not incite a civil war). The geopolitical nature of the world is unsteady at best, and this year is an election year.
You long for a time when two cats could just play together and no one would care.
Cool Cat Toy
Your cat, reading Pride and Prejudice, looks up at you. You ask her why she is reading it. She tells you that she just wishes that she could have a feline ball, where everyone would find their perrrrfect matches. She has been making more and more romantic gestures to the cats in the area.
You become worried about this, so you insist that she can dance in the house and that you’ll both make a night of it.
Cool Cat Toy
Your cat comes home. She’s been out all night, again. This time, it was a rave in the upper-east side of town. You ask her if she’s been on catnip. She denies it, like always. But, you look in her purse and find a bag. You confront her about it and she asks you why you were going through her things.
You tell her that she doesn’t have the moral, high ground on this one. You ask her if she’s been using it to enhance the laser lights. She admits that she chases the laser every now and again. You ask her if it was your inability to raise her. She comforts you by saying, meow meow, it’ll be ok.
Cool Cat Toy
Nobody loves Donald Trump more than he loves himself. And your cat, Angel, looks kindly upon wannabe, machiavellian autocrats, as Angel would also like to be a central figure in American politics.
Cool Cat Toy
Cool Cat Toy
The joy of your cat’s life has been in tunneling. There hasn’t been much else for them. They require the feel of what it would be like, to be in the wild, once again. After hours and hours of running around, they’ve become bored with everything else that you’ve got for them.
When added to the boxes that every toy has been shipped in—you, too, can make a great tunnel system that spans an entire room. It’ll be a while before you buy a refrigerator (still in the box), so you give your little buddy the next best thing.
Cool Cat Toy
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