The people involved in these crazy sex stories are completely anonymous. I searched the darkest depths of my contacts to find the best sexual faux pas, and it did not disappoint. If your sex life is kooky, just wait till you get to the bottom of this list.
“This guy was a mutual friend of mine. I bump into him at the town Christmas parade and we decide to go out for a few drinks. Six beers later, we’re in my room getting into it. He’s really excited. He decides he wants to pick me up. I figured he’s not a big dude, but he looks strong enough. So he grabs me by the thighs and heaves to me up. Next thing I know, I’m slamming face-first against the wall. My back knocks into the dresser as I fall to the floor, tits flailing, and god knows how many concussions are happening right now. He rushed over to help me up – but his version of a smooth recovery was to pick me up and throw me back on the bed. I went straight into the other wall. I still have a kink in my spine to this day.”
“I was in the middle of switching birth controls, so my boyfriend and I decided to use a condom that night just to be safe. Afterward, when I went to the bathroom to pee, I heard him freaking out in the bedroom. He said he couldn’t find the condom anywhere. We took all the blankets and sheets off the bed, and then it dawns on me…I had the condom. I started losing my shit. He tried to help get it out with his hands, but it was beyond reach. We ended up going to the ER. It was the most embarrassing ER trip I’ve ever made.”
“This guy I was dating was at my place Netflix and Chilling. We were watching the Terminator 2: Judgment Day when things started to get hot (what can I say, 90’s Schwarzenegger really gets me going). I straddled his lap and we started to make out. I wasn’t wearing pants anyways, only my pajama shirt. When things get intense, he starts to tip me backward slowly until I’m back bending with my hands on the floor. He begins to give me head while I’m stuck like this, and it’s the hottest thing ever. It’s probably the best head I’ve ever had. What made it perfect was I could watch the entire movie upside down. It’s was and is one of my favorite movies to this day.”
“One time I dated this guy who was a youth pastor at an Adventist church and had a key to all the facilities. We hadn’t seen each other for a long time because he was on a missionary trip, so we were both super ready to get at each other. I went to meet him one night when he was cleaning up and everyone was gone, and we started to get into it in the church. He took us to the roof where there weren’t any cameras and banged under the night sky. It was so amazing I screamed “OH MY GOD” and he suddenly stopped. When I looked at what he was staring at behind me, it was one of the elderly ladies of the church. I totally forgot she would drop cans off every night for the homeless drive. She was staring up at the sky wondering where the voice had come from. I was terrified. Then he told me she wore glasses, so we were okay. We kept going after that.”
I just moved to a new town for college when I met this cute biker dude. My dorm room was full of sorority girls at the time, and there was no way I could sneak a guy past the RA. So he met me behind the public library at night for a quickie. It was a library, so we had to be quiet, but it was easily the best sex I’ve ever had! He was so hot I totally didn’t care we were doing it behind this sketchy old building. When it’s over and he’s walking me out, he startles at something. I looked over and saw a homeless dude sitting in the bushes. He had to have watched us the whole time. I was mortified. He thought it was hilarious.”
This guy was a total dreamboat. He worked and lived on a horse ranch while studying for his horse doctor degree (I don’t know what it’s called – a veterinarian?). We had been dating for about three or four months and had just started having sex. It was still new for us. One day we were making out at the ranch, and I asked if he wanted to try anal. He said yeah but told me he didn’t have any lube. What kind of guy doesn’t have lube?? As a last resort, we grabbed the horsehair conditioner from the grooming closet and used that instead. It actually felt terrific!”
My boyfriend and I were leaving the mall and heading to the parking garage. He drove a totally generic silver Toyota, nothing special about it. The garage was dark, so I figured we were safe enough. I gave him a quick blowjob behind the car. It was HOT. When all was said and done, he tries to unlock the car door, but the key isn’t fitting. That’s when we noticed that someone (the actual car owner) was already sitting in the driver’s seat. It might as well have been a nun with the way she was staring at us. We haven’t been back to that mall yet.”
“I’d wanted to bang this supervisor at my office for a long time. We had flirted on and off, but I never got my chance to make a move. One night I had to drive back to work because I forgot my phone under my desk. When I got there, he was just locking up. It was perfect. Once we were alone inside, it’s like we already knew what was going to happen. He locked the door and we banged on my chair like an actual porno. I quit a few months later, but I still remember that night and feel pretty good about myself.”
“I went to bed with this beefcake named Phillip. We’re about to have sex when I start to hear these growling sounds. He’s moving up and down my body all cat-like, shaking his head from side to side, and rolling his shoulders around like an actual animal. I tried to go with it, but then he started showing me his canines and saying, ‘Here kitty, kitty’. I told him my fire alarm had just gone off at home and I had to go. The craziest excuse I ever gave to leave someone’s apartment.”
“I’m not the one in this crazy sex story. I just remember walking in on the kinkiest sex scene of my life. I was a teenager at bible camp trying to find the kitchen for a glass of water one night when I heard these noises coming from one of the elder’s study rooms. It sounded like someone was in pain. I wandered over to the door and opened it to see not only my pastor in there – BUTT naked – but a married couple I knew from church! They had a bunch of weird objects on the desk like riding crop, a bucket of ice cubes, and a fresh gallon of milk. To this day, I still wonder what the milk was for.”
“My boyfriend of five years and I were trying to spice things up. We went for a romantic canoe ride, just the two of us, and then one thing led to another, and we’re messing around. Right when we got his pants off, the boat tipped over. We went home looking like two soggy idiots and I got a UTI from the lake water.”
“My girlfriends and I went to this costume party together dressed like a gang of pirates. My friend Nick, who I never paid much attention to before, showed up as a sexy Black Beard. Even though he was wearing the biggest fake beard in history, I couldn’t stop staring at him the whole time. Halfway through the night when everyone is good and drunk, one of my girlfriends throws up in the bathroom. I instantly offer to clean up because I felt so bad for how drunk she was. I head to the bathroom by myself but I hear Nick tagging along. He comes in, locks the door, and starts making out with me. We totally banged in that gross bathroom, fake beard and all. It the best, most disgusting sex ever.”
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