Communicating in a Relationship
Everyone knows that communicating in a relationship can be challenging. It is not always sunshine and rainbows, as some people make it out to be. Instead of focusing on how great communication can be in a relationship, let’s focus on some of the couple’s difficulties regarding communication. The fact of the matter is we portray relationships as perfect. Even admitting that there might be communication struggles in a relationship can be a considerable challenge. This is often because we don’t understand our wants and needs in a relationship and are unaware of what our triggers are. Instead, we storm away from difficult conversations, emotionally shut down, or don’t have them at all. When you or your partner respond in such a way, often the issue is never resolved because it takes way more effort to communicate than to overcome.
In many relationships, people start to feel unheard. Perhaps your partner doesn’t listen to you the way you want them to. As a result, you get mad, hurt, upset, and lash out. You think your relationship is not strong anymore, or maybe it isn’t worth all the effort that has been put into it. Many prevalent and unhealthy coping mechanisms involve food, drugs, alcohol, sex, social media, or running away. All these coping mechanisms turn out to be avoidance. To deal with avoidance, both you and your partner need to be on the same page with one another. That requires both of you to sit down and make an agreement to listen to what one another wants and needs. Each party needs to be vulnerable and open with their partner, or effective communication won’t occur. Being open and vulnerable is easier said than done as we often protect our vulnerability as our lives depend on it.
Listen
We all listen to stuff. Music, video games, the television, our mothers, etc. This is not always the most exciting kind of listening; so many times, we tune out what we are actually listening to. This happens A LOT in relationships. “Babe, can you grab some banana’s from the store?” Not the most stimulating conversation. But when someone really needs to express themselves and needs someone to listen, passive listening isn’t going to cut it. You have to be all ears for that person, which can be really challenging.
When you think it starts with expressing yourself, think again because it’s actually the other way around. You have to listen to your partner first. You have to show them how you wanted to be listened to by your actions and willingness to see their side before seeing yours. The reason being is that they are never going to listen to you if you can’t listen to them.
Win-Win
If you both understand what the other wants in the relationship, you can start to work out a win-win. The word compromise is thrown around in relationships quite a bit. While compromise is excellent for one person, it often leaves the other feeling let down, disappointed, and resentful. For instance, let’s say you and your partner decide to go out to a fancy dinner. You want Italian, but they are craving seafood. You end up going to the Italian place after a half-hour of bickering about it. This is a compromise. Instead, make this situation a win-win by going to both restaurants on different days of the week. If you ask your partner if this is a win-win for them and they say yes, that’s amazing! If they say no, then there is a different opportunity to create a win-win. Looking at communication with your partner and searching for a win-win opposed to a compromise will likely create a stronger relationship built on understanding and openness.
Getting Through the Hard Stuff
There will always be a time in your relationship when you or your partner go through some real shit. I am not talking you got the wrong coffee order at your local Starbucks. People are more aware of mental health now than they ever have been before. This does not mean there isn’t room for great improvement but baby steps. Let’s say you are feeling empty and want to isolate yourself from others. Instead of this being for a couple days, it turns into a couple months. Your partner will observe this behavior and try to figure out what is wrong. Maybe you communicate that you just want to be alone, or maybe you lash out at them. They will have to decide how they want to get through the hard stuff. This resolve is primarily based on communication. If you can’t sit down and listen and understand your partner, this likely won’t end in your favor. Seeking understanding is the absolute best way to go through the hard stuff with your partner. Stay calm and be supportive through your words and actions.
Pushing Through
Relationships can be scary to get into or be in for a prolonged period of time. There is an entire other person that you have to share feelings with and be supportive of. There are times when this relationship will be on shaky ground and other times feels like it’s built on the world’s strongest cement. Communication plays such a big role in the success of a relationship, and often times we don’t always know how to communicate with ourselves. If you can focus on understanding how you like to communicate with your partner, they will likely be grateful for the effort. Most success in life starts with internal love and understanding of oneself. When you start to understand your body and how it communicates, you will attract people who have done the same thing. If this occurs before a relationship starts, communicating will be much easier. Unfortunately, many people ignore this incredibly vulnerable aspect of themselves because it can be scary and overwhelming. However, it is never too late to start communicating with yourself and those closest to you while learning more about communication fundamentals.
