A man walks into a bar. His jeans are worn and look like the might start to tear right above the knee. They fit him perfectly. His hair is shaggy as if he just rolled out of bed after pleasuring a woman. His shirt was probably purchased at a vintage store but it looks like it came straight from an overpriced boutique. He doesn’t need cologne because his natural scent is that good. He saunters up to the bar. The bartender stops what he’s doing to tend to the man. The bartender gets him his regular – a jack and coke. The man takes a sip as his eyes sweep across the room. He lasers in on the most beautiful woman in the place. She’s daydreaming while someone else talks at her. The man approaches her and asks her if she’d like to go somewhere where they can talk. She agrees and they leave the bar. The guy who was talking to her mutters to himself “Damn. That guy must have a big dick.” Did you know what big dick energy was?
The new girl in the office sits quietly in her cubicle waiting for instructions. She’s wearing a tan cardigan from The Gap that her grandma bought her for her 16th birthday. She sips from her almond milk latte when the boss walks off of the elevator onto their floor. She almost chokes on the milky drink when she sees her boss. The woman is wearing four-inch heels, a figure-hugging pencil skirt and a lacy camisole (no doubt lingerie from the night before) and keeps her designer sunglasses on as she walks through the hushed office. Once she gets to her office at the end of the hall the boss snaps at her assistant to get her a coffee and her schedule for the day. She then closes the office door with a thud. The new girl wipes the spilled coffee from her mouth and thinks to herself “Damn. That lady must have a big dick.”
Not literally, of course. But she has the essence of someone who surely has a big dick. Someone who commands a room with their swagger. Someone who doesn’t need to ask permission. Someone who walks the fine line between confidence and cockiness. Someone who has a big dick has a certain aura about them. They know they have a secret weapon between their legs. They feel just that much better than the people around them. But that feeling isn’t reserved just for people with big penises. It’s not even reserved for people who have penises at all. Really, anyone can have this energy – Big Dick Energy (BDE) as social media has dubbed it lately. Did you know what big dick energy was?
The past couple of weeks, everywhere you look is some blog proclaiming that this or that celebrity has BDE. My favorite of these proclamations has been Pete Davidson. He’s a lanky stoner from Saturday Night Live who they sometimes let in the background of sketches or give a short talking segment on Weekend Update. He rarely plays characters because of his distinct look. Pale and grim, to be exact. But Davidson recently skyrocketed into mainstream media when he started dating Ariana Grande – who is objectively out of his league. How did this weird skinny kid from Staten Island land one of the world’s biggest pop stars? Probably because this dude walks around as if he has three legs. He owns his flaws and makes them hilarious. He constantly jokes about his mental health struggles, his appearance and even about how crazy it is that he and Grande are together. He has BDE.
It makes even the most physically unappealing people intriguing. You feel the need to know what about them gives them so much confidence. They have some sort of gravitational pull to them that can’t be explained by any of the laws of science. The only explanation is that they must have a big package, whether it’s metaphorical or real. Did you know what big dick energy was?
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