It’s said that every university has its unique quirks, but it’s only when you see a list of them that you realise your traditions and routines are far different to other universities’, really highlighting the difference in cultures. Those attending Australia’s Monash University, particularly Clayton campus, will understand these iconic symbols if they’re living university life the right way.
You’re jealous that UniMelb is in the heart of the CBD, and you know deep down that you’re part of the uglier uni. Still, you’ll tell anybody that listens that the towering Menzies building of Monash, the one that is rumoured to sway in heavy winds, was (poorly) designed by a UniMelb student.
Other universities don’t seem to understand why you’re up in each other’s grill all the time. The fact that Monash and UniMelb are ranked second and first respectively in the state lends to your competitive nature, but you wonder if both of you are just weirded out that Monash and UniMelb’s VCs are married and therefore, have had sex.
But anyway, how are those double degrees going, UniMelb? Oh, wait.
There’s nothing worse than the doors stopping because six jaffys thought it would be a good idea to cram into one section.
On a related note, you’re not really sure whether you’re supposed to touch the doors to move them after they’ve stopped, or if you have to wait for them to start on their own. Further research is required.
While you’re not sure if Monash coined the term of endearment for first years, you’re shocked that other universities don’t make use of the word as much as you do, even when you’re just another f**king first year yourself.
Like nearly every other Monash student, you would rather lay down your life than see the KFC knock-off close.
Sure, you know that Clayton’s far from remote, but there is barely anything within walking distance of campus, and you can’t help but feel a little stranded.
RIP Berwick campus. No longer will studying in a field be a reality.
And the need to arrive to uni three hours early to potentially find a spot.
Whether you’re vegetarian or vegan is irrelevant, because you can’t pass on the not-for-profit restaurant’s veggie lasagna. Bonus points if you score any after 2:30pm at half-price.
You never expected that your uni life would be improved so much by the daily presence of food trucks, but they filled a hole in your heart that you didn’t know you had with burgers, churros and other such delights.
The ‘Stalkerspace’ Facebook groups are a bit of a cultural phenomenon. Starting out so you could reconnect with drunken hook ups, they are now a place for university students to express their collective despair through memes. Monash Stalkerspace has amassed over 58,000 members, and you’re proud to belong to the most active Stalkerspace of all the universities. You can’t help but feel special as you’re ‘in’ on the top keks, such as the infamous ‘matching jaffys’ spotted around campus.
It’s impossible for you to head to Clayton campus without hearing the screeching of construction works, or having your usual path to lectures blocked off. You can’t remember a time before this, and by now, you doubt one ever existed.
With the redevelopment of Campus Centre, the noise and months of inconvenient detours were worth it when you finally spent your Centrelink payment on a burrito and Subway cookie.
You can’t help but feel smug about the countless times they reminded you to fill out the SETU in the first place.
You know that there are benefits to being part of the biggest university in Australia, but one of them is not the physical strain on your body to get from one class to the other because they’re at opposite ends of campus.
It’s all fun and games watching others do it, until you get allocated an 8am tutorial and are forced to beg people to take your place on the discussion forums.
It’s week twelve and assignments are coming at you left, right and centre, so joining the rest of the condemned souls at the pub located just off-campus is the best course of action.
You can barely keep up with real world politics, and you refuse to go down the rabbit hole that is student politics either, no matter how many people there are in bright shirts who try to convince you otherwise.
You thought that taking the train to Caulfield for your exams would save you some hassle because you wouldn’t have to worry about parking, but you’re only going to make that mistake once. You know by now that Melbourne’s public transport is reliable enough, up until the morning of a hurdle exam worth 60% of your final mark.
Actually, being honest with yourself, you don’t understand this one. The one time you watched it for more than thirty seconds, it just repeated Monash’s safety messages over and over and you felt like you were in some over-controlling dystopian future.
What’s more useful than a Monash degree? Confidence in the people you’re paying thousands of dollars a year to.
UniMelb will never let this one go.
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