Dear celebrity boyfriend,
I am not in it for the fame of having a celebrity boyfriend. That’s something I want the world to know about us. To me, you will always remain the guy I fell for, not just my celebrity boyfriend. Regardless of whether the first time I saw you was through the one-sided mirror; a computer screen, I fell for you.
Just quiet stolen moments among busy schedules. I have learned to be okay with that. I maintain that I want the world to know, but I’ve agreed to hold my tongue till you’re ready to tell the world. Keeping this secret has been and continues to be hard, so I chose to write this letter to you, to maybe make sense of all my thoughts and the feelings I have for you.
Many years ago, before I knew you, I wrote a post for my blog, declaring my silent love and support for you. I said then that it wouldn’t matter if you dated someone because that wouldn’t change the way I felt for you. Fast forward to now, my wildest dreams have come true and you’re mine now. You never saw that post; you never saw the poems I wrote with you in mind. That was the past, and I’m okay with you never seeing it. But I hope this letter finds its way to you, simply because I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much you affect me; whether positively or negatively.
I’m never intentionally made to feel inferior to you. You’re this huge phenomenon, but I’m made to feel like a star when I’m with you, for the simple things I do. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. It may seem small to you, but it means the world to me.
You were there for me when no one was. I was a nobody to you at that point, you could have easily walked away from me – a broken, hysterical shell of a person-back then. But you stuck around and made me feel like someone cared. I wasn’t already nurturing feelings for you, this would have been a nail in our metaphorical relationship coffin. How could I not fall for someone who seemed to love me at my worst?
Hoards of women- some more willing to dedicate their lives to you than me- are in love with you, but you chose to be with me. I, a person who never even expected to be in love, fell in love with her idol. And had the luck to have that idol fall back in love with her. I felt lucky, for the first time in my life.
But with the good, comes the bad. You are very busy and have an amazing life of your own, sometimes I feel irrelevant. I feel replaceable. Sometimes it’s not your fault, it’s just the nature of your work. But sometimes it’s your fault. You make promises you can’t keep. You tell me you’ll message, you’ll tell me you’ll call, then forget and move on with your life. I am left staring at my phone in anticipation for hours on end. And that hurts.
But with that feeling of luck, comes an obligation. An obligation that weighs heavily on me. An obligation to be so thankful for the chance to date you, and be with you, that I can never complain or be hurt. Don’t get me wrong you never impose that obligation on me, but sometimes that’s the way I’m left feeling. Every time I fight with you, I am hit with an insecurity; one that I’ve nurtured my whole life for other personal reasons. An insecurity that I can never make this relationship work. That if I leave, you’ll discover someone better than me and move on, while I’m still stuck on you.
No, it’s not completely your fault I feel this way. You don’t intentionally make this insecurity crop up, but sometimes when I fight with you and you display a nonchalance towards it, I feel like I don’t matter, my feelings don’t matter. I hope this can change so that our relationship changes for the better.
I am to blame as well. You came into my life, and remain in my life at a point when everything hangs in a delicate balance. I have – in contrast to my usual personality and countenance- therefore developed a clingy, annoying overdependence on you. This quality in me frustrates you, I can tell. I hope to change this and grow as a person so that our relationship can grow.
If you asked me now where this relationship is going, I would say I don’t know. I have never been in love, so I don’t know if that’s what I’m feeling for you. But I reckon what I feel for you is pretty close to love. It’s a feeling so intense, it brings me to tears sometimes and puts the brightest smile on my face sometimes.
Either way, you are part of my life now, and I hope you’ll continue to be part of it for many more years to come.
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