An Idiot’s Guide to Zodiac Signs Written By The Idiot
At the time of writing this introduction, I know absolutely nothing about zodiac signs. I think they have something to do with space, birthdays and why most relationships are destined to fail. I thought it would be a fun idea to do some research and write a guide to zodiac signs that’s helpful to idiots like me and amusing to astrological experts in equal measure. Will I find a new passion? Will I make a bunch of jokes and refuse to learn anything meaningful? Let’s find out!
What Even Is Astrology?
Wikipedia comes in hot, immediately calling astrology a pseudoscience, so that’s fun. Astrolibrary.org seems like a much friendlier source of information. They define astrology as the “observation of the interplay between the planets and our Earth.” Crucially, every planet represents an energetic part of our being, or a component of life. The position of planets at the time of your birth indicate the style in which those components will be manifested into your personality. The results are 12 archetypes, called zodiac signs.
Okay, I’m with you so far. We can’t deny our connection to the cosmos. Even the most nihilistic among us can see the logic in the idea that the planets in our solar system could have some impact on us as people. We are all stardust after all. Oneness with the universe is not contradictory to scientific understanding. What I don’t get is why zodiac signs have become so prominent amongst the younger generations. What’s the appeal?
A fantastic piece written by Julie Beck at The Atlantic put things in perspective for me. Astrology is a means of connection and understanding with oneself and the mysteries of the world around us. It’s not precisely dogmatic nor empiric, but somewhere in between. It’s personal yet universal at the same time. Most importantly, it’s meme-able, and now you’re speaking my language! There is no greater cultural unifier than memes. They bring us together. With this context, I’m ready to dive into each individual sign to either glean some insight about myself or crack jokes and die trying.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Empathic introverts governed by Uranus? Sounds good to me! Apparently their biggest turn-on is intellectual conversation, which is fantastic if that’s genuinely true of a person but just sounds to me like something you’d tell yourself if you’re sexually repressed and looking for a reason to explain why you’re so horny all the time. They’re most compatible with the Leo and Sagittarius zodiac signs, so if that’s you and you’re looking for an amorous Aquarius, drop that workout equipment and pick up a book. Exercise that sexy brain of yours.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Oh, okay, this is the fish one. I knew that. If you’re a Pisces, you’re great at relating to all walks of life. They prefer long-term relationships to fleeting passion, and they are generous lovers. They have a preternatural attunement to music because of Neptune somehow. They don’t tend to care too much for money, so if you’re looking for someone to sing you to sleep while they crash on your couch, a Pisces might just be for you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I am absolutely fascinated by this quote. “The presence of Aries always marks the beginning of something energetic and turbulent.” Yikes. Combine that with the fact that their element is fire and their ruler is Mars, I just hear some Gustav Holst scoring the fiery metaphorical or literal bridge burning that’s bound to happen. An Aries tends to be aggressive when it comes to romance, so watch that the fire sign doesn’t manifest a little too far south.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This sun sign tends to do well with money and their lucky numbers are 2, 6, 9, 12 and 24, so you might want to keep that in mind the next time you play the lottery. If I’m being honest, this sign is kind of boring. Their number one strength is that they’re reliable, which is a wonderful characteristic to have, but what do I do with that? If you want to do something crazy like have a financially and emotionally stable life, then go with a Taurus. You know, if that’s what you’re into.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The 2019 film “Gemini Man” stars Will Smith and also Will Smith as each Will Smith tries to kill the other Will Smith. One of the writers was David Benioff, half of the creative team that ran “Game Of Thrones” off a cliff, so what I’m trying to say is a Gemini can’t be trusted. It represents two different personalities in one, so watch out. If you are a Gemini and feel this doesn’t apply to you at all, I’m sorry, but maybe should read this again later.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
I’ve been weary of crab people since that one episode of “South Park,” so I’m going to tread cautiously here. Those of this water sign can have a hard time blending into their environment, just like the crab people. They can be manipulative as well. The next thing you know, the crab people are making their way into our homes, taking over life as we knew it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This is the only one I genuinely knew about beforehand, as it’s the sign of the Lion, and I can get on board with that. I find the brashness of fire signs to be really interesting. What do they know that the rest don’t? Leos are confident kings and queens of the jungle who will take charge romantically. While they harness the energy of the sun, I tend to just stare at it like Trump on Easter Sunday.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Here we go, it’s time to talk about me! All these other zodiac signs are fine, but who doesn’t care about themselves most of all? I’m already disappointed by my associated colors, which are grey, beige and pale-yellow. Virgos are typically detail-oriented people who pursue a career in writing. I’m not sure if this is just confirmation bias or if this astrology stuff is really working, as I feel like I’ve been personally targeted. I’m going to go put on some beige khakis and think about the universe for a while.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libras are in constant search of balance, fairness and justice, but what is justice? They are suited to work as judges and diplomats, but why do Libras get to decide? Was Uncle Phil from “The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air” a Libra? If the fandom wiki is to be believed, he was born in January. Just when I thought zodiac signs were starting to get me, my belief gets shattered once again.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This sign is ruled by the planet Pluto, which is hilarious since Pluto’s planethood status was revoked. Scorpios are the most sensual sign in the entire zodiac, could potentially have a propensity toward violence and hate dishonesty, so never cheat on a Scorpio unless you want to end up at the bottom of a river or rolled up into a rug.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
People who are born under this fire sign tend to be extroverts who love to travel, so they should stay far away from me. Take that bow and arrow elsewhere, Hawkeye. They are known for having a great sense of humor and telling it like it is. This could be a good thing, but it could also mean that a Sagittarius is that person at work who will tell you they liked your hair better before you got it cut, and you’ll laugh it off like it didn’t hurt your feelings but really you’re dying inside.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Most may see a goat, but I see a Baphomet. Hell yeah, hail Satan. My excitement for this sign was quelled immediately, however, when I saw that it is an Earth sign and the third member of the trio of practicality and grounding, along with Taurus and Virgo. As a Virgo I can confirm, we’re boring. However, I do like that the affections of Capricorns tend to be difficult to win, much like goats in real life. Have you ever gone to a petting zoo and had a goat look at you with complete disdain as you try to feed it? Is that just me?
