How to Avoid the Hidden Horrors of Thanksgiving
Enjoy this post by guest blogger Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez!
Thanksgiving Break. It’s a long weekend away from college, and while your professors probably decided it might be funny to have your term paper be due the day after your break ends, you’re still thankful for the time-out from classes. Thanksgiving means good family cooking, and not surviving on Ramen noodles, or worse, your meal plan. Thanksgiving means grabbing a drink or some conversation with your friends from home at a local bar. Thanksgiving means running into an old ex-boyfriend of yours, while you look much better and happier without him. Ah. Pumpkin pie. Sweet Potato. Beer. Friends. What more could a person ask for without looking like a selfish or greedy twit?
What about the weird uncles? The terrible Black Friday excursions in which someone almost broke your foot trying to get the last cute sweater in your size? What about the fight with your sister, who has decided that her new cause in life is teaching you to be a morally responsible, boring as hell person? What about seeing your ex-boyfriend who not only is lacking a severely-needed prescription for Ritalin, but who also tries to get in a screaming match with you in your town bar?
It’s not all fluffy potatoes, sweet pie, and happiness.
Here are a few tips on how to deal with the hidden hassles of the holidays, from a girl who has had to hide from a few men (and siblings) in her day.
Don’t go alone
If you’re headed out to the town bar on the night before Thanksgiving, don’t go alone. Pick a gal pal or a best guy friend, and head out. You never know what local weirdos you might encounter. While it’s usually sweet to reconnect with old friends, sometimes it’s not so sweet. Have a sidekick to scram with if the night out becomes gnarly.
Black Friday = Black Eyes
Black Friday is bad for your sanity, and skin. A girl needs sleep. Going out at midnight or four in the morning in order to score a good deal for yourself, or shop for gifts with your mother, is just a plain old bad idea. In 2012, a person shot two individuals while shopping at a Wal-Mart in Tallahassee. I can’t imagine the Wal-Mart “rollback” prices being good enough to warrant getting shot. Not to mention the fact that you might still be hung over by the turkey dinner, although it’s actually a myth that turkey makes you sleepy because it contains L-tryptophan. Tryptophan can make you sleepy, but other poultry items as well as meat, fish, eggs, and yogurt also contain tryptophan, but do your scrambled eggs make you sleepy? It’s the food, alcohol, and relaxation of the day that tire you out. Enjoy the day of rest. Don’t get caught up in a panty war with some woman in Victoria’s Secret. Who needs a black eye over a thong? Or worse, a bullet wound? You’re better off purchasing online while in your pajamas. Plus, Black Friday is bad for your skin. Being awake at insane hours to buy your dad a TV or your niece an Elmo doll will only earn you dark under-eye circles, puffiness, dry lips from running out to the cold and back into a warm store, and zits. Yes, sweating over who gets to take Elmo home, you or some seriously-angry looking lady in a sequined Christmas tree sweater will produce oil in your pores, only to pop out as an ugly whitehead the next day!
Family Feud
If you know a certain family member that you don’t like will be attending the festivities, take a Xanax. Xanax is a benzodiazepine used to treat anxiety and panic disorder, but that’s only for extreme cases. You’re better off doing the “nod and smile.”
The Nod and Smile (v): an action used when dealing with people you absolutely cannot stand. When said person says something stupid, you simply “nod and smile.”
Saying something to a crazy person will only get a crazy response. So if your uncle starts droning on about some bizarre conspiracy theory, or your sister starts whining about her thighs for four hours, just do the “nod and smile.” If your grandmother starts talking about your bra size and the amount of cleavage you’re showing, I’d just remind her she is senile, and wear a turtleneck next time. Family is great, but sometimes when we all get together it’s like a bizarre chemistry experiment. You never know who is going to go off the deep end.
Cash out
If you’re doing any holiday shopping, yet you’ve spent your last dollars celebrating that mid-terms are over it’s time to make some money. If you’ve got a broken phone that you thought was worthless, news flash: it’s not. Sell them back.
Believe it or not, while retailers and carriers like Apple, BestBuy, and Wal-Mart won’t take your busted electronics, other places will. Buyback sites like uSell offer you cash for your old and broken electronics. All you do is just cruise onto uSell’s site, look for the device you want to sell, choose your carrier, (AT&T, T-Mobile, etc.) your phone’s condition, and bam—you’ll see offers from our over 50 professional buyers. A busted iPhone 5 can get you up to $137. A broken Samsung Galaxy S4? $85. While your cracked phone might not look pretty to you, our buyers are able to refurbish it and give that phone a second life. The extra cash might just give you room to buy prezzies for those folks on your good list.
The final word?
Enjoy Thanksgiving. It’s one of the only holidays that’s not commercial, and allows you to pig out like in Ancient Rome, minus the puke fests.
About the Author:
Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. A graduate of Columbia University, Laura will throw fists down for the biggest piece of cheesecake, and counts her therapist as part of her family. She has delusions that she is the family favorite of four girls, and likes to make friends with strangers. Follow her @LauraLifshitz on Twitter and on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/lauralifshitzwriter
About uSell:
uSell has helped customers earn over $11 million for selling back their used phones. And because we believe in doing good for the environment, we’re proud to say that we’ve kept over 170,000 cell phones out of landfills. Today, people are savvy about their electronics. They either want to upgrade to the latest and greatest gadgets fast, or give their old devices a second life. We’ve created a marketplace around those two desires. In just three easy steps, our customers can connect with over 50 professional buyers to get instant cash offers, hassle free. uSell is transforming recommerce one cell phone at a time.
This post is sponsored, all opinions are mine or Laura’s.
