An Open Letter To Blackout Me
…..First of all, I hate you. I’m not sure when I cross the line from having casual fun to viciously blacking out, but it happens, more then the average person. And I mean like, I’m either slightly buzzed, or sitting in the grass with no shoes on eating a pizza.. there is no in-between. This is an open letter for all the girls who wake up from a blackout on a Wednesday morning with temporary tattoos on their body and zero recollection of how you managed to even get into your own bed.
1. You Know Damn Well What You’re Doing, Sweetie
Do not even try to tell me that you can’t feel in your bones that a big blackout is coming, it’s inevitable ladies. Even if I’m just casually sipping with a group of friends, it usually goes like this:
Me: don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
Me: OK fine can you pass me a 4loko?
2. For The Love Of God, Please Stop Dancing
You are a true embarrassment. If you don’t dance well when you’re sober, I promise you’ll look like a freak dancing blackout. Most girls get drunk and end up dropping it low and shaking their ass, looking hot. Not me!! I look more like the inflatable tube man at a car dealership on a real windy day. Not cute, girl.
3. Shut Your Damn Mouth
Besides saying stupid shit that makes no sense, it can get worse. No one works harder than a drunk girl trying to whisper a secret to another drunk girl. Not only are you super loud and obnoxious when drinking, but you also just don’t know when to stfu. Like what possess you to cry to a random ass girl in the bathroom about how you think your crush is hooking up with someone else, and that you are DEVASTATED.
4. Awkward When you Don’t Recognize Your New Bathroom Bestie
When your walking through campus and some random girl runs up to you asking you how you’re doing with your crush.. and you’re like… who tf are you. Not sure why blackout me insists that I make new friends to complain to.. yet here I am with a bunch of girls I don’t know all over my snap story.
5. You ARE Over Your Ex
Me: I’m so over my ex
Wine: Nope!
No matter how far along you are of getting over your ex, blackout you will always disagree. Do. Not. Cry. At. The. Bar..call me buzzkillington. It’s seriously a miracle how I even have friends still. S/O to them.
6. I Bet I Can(t) Do That
If you ever hear blackout me say “I can do that… hold my drink” Please, please do not let me do that thing. My friends learned that lesson when I tried to ‘pole dance’ on a pole at the bar. I was actually so blackout that I made people clear out of the way and told them to “prepare for something amazing”. Not sure why I gave myself a running start, but as soon I got to the pole, I slipped and fell on a spilt drink and completely ate shit. Many people from the bar now have that catastrophe saved in their snapchat memories. Nice.
7. Keep Doing You Girl – You Crazy Bitch
Even though I REALLY hate you sometimes, you can also be a blast in a glass. Anyways, me blacking out from drinking is god’s way of telling me that what I do when I’m blackout, is none of my business. Gotta respect that. Also, hearing about what you did when you were drunk is kind of great because you’re the main character of a story that you’ve never heard before!
