Kiss my sass, I’m a sasshole. A combination of the word “sassy” and “asshole”. A person of great sarcastic wit, with the only thing keeping them from being a complete and utter asshole is their intentional comedic sass*.
Sasshole:
[sass-hol]
Noun, Adjective
*Note the distinction between “sass” and “ass”. It is acceptable to be a sasshole, but being an asshole is utterly intolerable. Just had to make that clear before we proceed.
I am a total sasshole. I can’t hide it at this point and I don’t want to. I feel privileged to have been born into this unique breed of humans. I’ve embraced my ability to simultaneously piss people off while making them laugh until they cry. If you’re wondering whether or not you fit into this niche then take a gander at the list below, and if the person described sounds at all like you then you’re a sasshole, too!
This is especially true for the quieter sassholes out there who save their sass for the most opportune moments. For example, I am not the most sociable of my friends, but don’t mistake me for a wallflower. Those who know me best know that when I do decide to speak up I can be somewhat colorful in my delivery. Often throwing out a zinger or two in order to prevent the air from growing stale, keep everyone on their toes, and most importantly remind my audience that my capacity to sass is not to be underestimated.
It’s nice knowing that I dominate this one field as far as my friends go, but the times when someone else can truly out-sass me are far and few between. It’s just not the same when I’m laughing at my own prowess.
If I had a dollar for every time I found myself pausing before unleashing a snarky comment I’d have multiple zeroes in my bank account. Some call that lil’ voice that goes off in your head a conscious, I prefer to refer to him as a nuisance as he is constantly interrupting my fun. Towing the line between being a sasshole and an asshole requires that I be considerate of my audience and the approach I take. Usually I just say “f*ck it, it’s funny and I’m gonna go for it”. The few times I do hold back, though, are because I realize that it would be kinder to spare the poor soul than subject them to my sharp tongue.
Honestly, people need to realize that I am joking 800% of the time. Sadly, my sass does not always translates via text. As my primary source of communication, it would be quite useful to be able to adequately express my emotions without offending anyone. In fact, I’m going to take a page out of the White Chicks screenplay and write a letter:
Dear tech people,
What the world really needs is yet another camel emoji. Forget about a designated sass font. We don’t want that, we would never use it.
Sincerely,
No one ever.
How does that draft sound? Not too ambiguous, I hope. You know, I wanted to get my point across while maintaining who I am. If the techies are unable to pick up what I’m putting down then I think I’ve demonstrated the real need for the aforementioned font.
I’m sassy because it amuses me to be so. I try to surround myself with others who also appreciate (and, if I’m lucky, can reciprocate) the sass. However, the world is an imperfect place filled to the brim with dunces who, often times, are incapable of enjoying me at my finest. I get it, wit and sarcasm are rare commodities in this day and age. They aren’t everyone’s cup of tea and sometimes my jokes go over recipients’ heads.
But instead of laughing it off and trying better next time some of these uncultured swine feel the need to get offended and demand an apology even though no harm was intended on my part. Alas, I acquiesce: “I am sorry…that you were too dense to understand the humor in my words and I won’t make the mistake of socializing with you again.” Because my talents are far too special to be wasted on underdeveloped minds.
Yes, I make fun of people, places, things, etc. You name it, and I’ve probably made a flippant remark about it (or at least I wouldn’t be opposed to doing so should the opportunity ever present itself). That being said, sass is also how I show affection. Sort of like a cat or an eight-year-old boy with a crush: if I’m mean to you it’s ‘cause I love you and don’t know how better to show it.
Sometimes screenwriters get it so write you can’t help but fall in love with your fictional kindred spirit. Other times you idolize a celebrity for saying exactly what your sassy mind has been thinking all along. For me, it’s fellas like Stiles on Teen Wolf or women like Samantha Jones from Sex and the City who inspire me to be a sassier, smarter individual.
As far as real people go, I think sassafrass, Chrissy Teigen, and sass-quatch, Ryan Reynolds, are tied for the most epic twitter feed. And British people in general seem to be a pretty sassifying bunch: Cara Delevingne, Adele, Emma Thompson to name a few. Beyond being entertaining as hell, these individuals reassure us that it’s more than okay to be your sassy self. They’re like sardonic comfort blankets when we’re in need of a pick-me-up.
I’m pretty sure that I’ve never given a legitimate response to anyone in my entire life. Whether it’s my mom asking me to help carry in the groceries or my boss checking to see if I completed a task I always respond in the same manner: with sass. Like this charming scene that took place just the other morning.
Mom: “Oh, are you taking the trash to the curb?”
Me: “No, I was just taking the bins for a walk around the block. You know, showing ‘em the neighborhood.”
Mom: *Rolls eyes so far back into her head at having raised such a brat.
At this point in my life I’m pretty sure the only reason people put up with my shit is because they believe the sass is an inherent part of my being, and they’re right. Can’t stop. Won’t stop.
I know I said that “I’m joking 800% of the time” but sometimes I’m not and no one ever realizes it. It’s like everyone takes everything I say seriously when it’s meant as a joke until the one time I actually mean what I say and they all laugh it off. I get it, this is a coffin of my own making because I rarely even take myself seriously. Still, sometimes the sass isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. #Blessed #Cursed
I have literally stunned myself in the past by the words that I’ve muttered. Like, “Did I actually just say that? Out loud?” It’s either so hilarious that I pray someone heard me in the moment or it’s so horrendous that I pray no one did. Not gonna lie there are a few times that I’ve said some things that I wish I hadn’t and for the life of me cannot explain where they came from. Hey, I filter as best I can but, really, who wants to live an edited life?
This is especially true of (judgmental) strangers who just want to troll me. I usually just smile ‘cause they have no idea what they’re getting into by hanging around me. I mean if you’re offended by what I say, just imagine all the things I keep to myself.
It’s not a lifestyle choice. No, I can’t “just stop” (even if in some situations it would be in my best interest to hold back). I was born this way and I’m not going to change.
Sarcasm may be my first tongue, but I’m fluent in body language, too. I can literally throw sass across the room with the bat of an eye. Yeah, I’m that good. Every part of my being embodies sass so if I’m ever in a situation where I’m prevented from speaking, don’t go thinking you’re safe. Oh, no honey! I will convey my message any which way possible: Eye roll, hair toss, pursed lip, brow raise. I have all these tricks hidden up my sleeve and I know how to use them.
Personally, I value honesty from those around me and I pride myself on returning the favor. I try to utilize my sassy superpower to deliver the messages that people may or may not want to hear in a way that is both entertaining and informative (instead of mean-spirited, like what an asshole would do).
Yeah, I’m sassy and if you can’t handle it then walk away. A lot of people are offended by my personality or tell me I shouldn’t be who I am. I’ve learned (and continue to do so) that I like who I am and so long as I’m not hurting anyone then I’m not going to change. Let the haters hate. I don’t need to be hanging out with a bunch of weak-stomached bitches anyway. I like my friends strong like my coffee and my men.
Not everyone has been gifted with this glorious blessing, but I don’t really know how to behave around non-sassy people. It’s like discovering another life form. Is it just their mental capacities that are different from mine, or do they not like breathe, eat, and sleep as I do either? We may look the same on the outside, but there’s no way we’re the same species. To be safe, I usually don’t make any sudden movements and avoid eye contact.
I usually use my powers for good, but if need be they can be lethal. That whole “sticks and stones” thing is bullshit. You come for me and I guarantee I’ll make you regret in one sentence or less. Some people use their fists, others employ weapons, but I can do more damage with the words in my arsenal than all their violence combined. My sassy pants are pink and glittery and I wear ‘em like armor.
Yeah, they probably said that to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad about myself, but it backfired. I take it as a compliment of the highest form. Plus, it tells me they’re probably just jealous of my awesomeness.
I am a quick wit with a biting tongue, but my most valued gift isn’t the things I come up with but rather when I say them. Timing makes all the difference as far as sass goes. If you should ever find yourself on the opposing side of a verbal sparring match with me, know that I will be having the final slay.
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